The Girl With No Face

This is what I POSTED on November 11th 2007

On the day of my 25th birthday (May 16th 2008), I’ll be:

• Be in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini (with a flat tummy) - NOPE
  
• I’ll be with my very hot *he called right when i wrote hot* sexy boyfriend prolly making out by a beach somewhere lol - NOPE
• I’ll have had gone on a shopping spree and bought lots and lots of tiny dresses and short shorts - NOPE
• I’ll …

.. I just realized how little I want .. So I’ll wish for other people:

• My older sister will be engaged to be married to man that will treat her like a queen. - NOPE
• My younger sister will have got karmic revenge from those who hurt her so much. - YES
  
• My Mother will be.. hmm.. Happier.. she’s the most content person i know, but she deserves more from us. - YES
• My Father will have finally grown up and started taking responsibility for his life.. I love him to death - NOPE
• My M will be happily still happy with my ex-friends (her friends) .. if they hurt her ill break their legs - NOPE
• My N will have a man who values her and never ever break her heart :-* - YES
• My F will be recieving a scholarship to do her masters in London. - NOPE
• My June will be peaceful with her decision and/or make the correct one. I will also have met her and we’re best friends. haha - YES
• My McLovely will have got a promotion, won the lottery and got enough sleep. lol - NOPE
• My Nooon will have convinced her dad that she’s really in love with k and that it will work. - NOPE

Well, I think I’m happy with everything to do with the people I love. I mean, even though they didn’t turn out like i hoped, But I guess a lot of it turned out even better than expected. I guess that this is what the Rolling Stones meant when they sang “You can’t always get what you want”

I’m so tired.. I’m resisting falling into depression.. resisting with all my might..

I’m so tired. I can barely get up in the morning, I usually don’t. I have not been to the gym in weeks. I can’t get myself to do anything productive. I’m so tired…

I’m tired of everything. of people. of things. of places. of faces.

I’m tired of being with people. with being alone. with movies, music and sunshine. I’m tired of the heat of the sun or the cool of the AC. I’m tired of the greyness of this country. the color of others. I’m tired of being alone, of people abandoning me. I’m tired of people constantly wanting to change me. I’m tired of the dreariness of people. I am friggin’ tired of being bored with everything and everyone.

I hate people. People must die.

I am tired of the routine and of being sucked into the conventional cycle of all human beings.

I’m tired of losing my individuality and my spirit.

I’m tired of the realization of how ordinary my life will turn out.

I’m tired of this persisting eerie feeling that something bad is going to happen or that I will die soon.

I am just tired of living.

I am tired..

Definitions of hypochondria:

Hypochondria (or hypochondriasis, sometimes referred to as health anxiety, health phobia) refers to an excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness. …

My worse fear is cancer. To be more specific, breast cancer. I have this image in my head of having one breast with a scar where the other one should be. Or no breasts at all.

It scares me because it feels to me like a woman loses what makes her a woman when she loses her breasts to cancer.

Now my fear has evolved. I fear lung cancer. For the last few years, I’ve been having trouble taking deep breaths and I yawn like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve not been able to run more than one minute at a time because I can’t breathe when I’m running. its like I’m holding my breath.

I’ve dismissed this problem to thinking that it’s caused by anxiety because I’ve discovered that most of the shit that happens to my body is because of stress and anxiety. My relationship with my body is weird. To be more precise, my brain’s relationship with my body is not a friendly one. They refuse to get along. I worry more than my body lets on. I think more than my brain lets on. My first panic attack happened a few months after the plane crash in 2000. My dad was going to travel and I THINK that THAT was the reason why it happened. I think that because I got up the next morning and begged him not to leave.

Its the worse feeling in the world. It was at a time where I would stay up all night online doing nothing and sleep when the sun came up. But that particular night, my laptop was on the bed next to me and I was laying down. I’d laid down to sleep except that I never leave my computer on the bed when I sleep usually. I love it too much to risk me kicking it off the bed. I was laying there with my eyes closed and I felt like I was sinking, not falling, sinking into a deep sleep. All of a sudden, I felt PANIC and didn’t want to fall asleep. I kept thinking that if I slept then, I’d die. I tried to stop the sinking and I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my eyes. I started crying then, tears started rolling down my face but I still wouldn’t wake up. I tried with all my might and I seriously thought I was dying.

I got up eventually and I didn’t sleep for three days after that. I was afraid I’d feel that fear again. I didn’t understand it. That was the worse feeling of fear in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be that afraid again.

These days, I want to go to a doctor. Not only do I feel like my lungs don’t expand enough to take deep breaths, but right now, it feels like my throat is closing in tight and making it very difficult to take breaths. Plus, its painful. I mean it could be nothing more than a cold and I should go to the doctor to put me at ease, but I’m scared.

You know what image comes to mind? You know those people who have had cancer in some part of their throat and are unable to speak again? the ones that hold this machine to their throat when they speak and some robotic voice comes out of the machine instead of their voice? that is the stupid image that’s scaring me half to death. I’m scared to go to the doctor.. haha I’m like one of those crazy uneducated people who are afraid of doctors!

Losing my mind.

.. All I can think about is what June once said to me:

“enough with the guilt already… because its gay” hahahahaha

you see, I can’t really talk about why I’m feeling guilty. but I can talk about everything else.

I discovered that I’m not the person I thought I was. I discovered that there’s something terribly wrong with me. Even when I spend years and years trying to change myself and my way of thinking, there are certain things that are just basically engraved in me that I can’t quite get rid of. dammit. I have nothing to say.

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH! look who’ll be in dubz in the next two weeks :’(

None of my friends can come with me.. WHAT DO I DO??? Mariah carey is going to be there on my birthday weekend! I’d already planned to go there that weekend to sky dive on my birthday.. but right now, none of my friends are willing to go with me!!

would i be a loser if i went alone?

loneliness is killing me.

Today, I was busy with Lunatichica, trying to get her room in order for the unveiling of her brand new Mac Pro. It was all fun, I met her best friend, we ate, we smoked. But when it was time to leave, I felt pain. It made me sad and lonely. Cannonball was on when i left, and It just made me lonelier. lonelier then I’ve been in a while.

I’m lonely. Can i have that surgically removed?

It’s as if he intentionally wants to hurt me. Or humiliate me and embarrass me.

Fuck him. Fuck him to death. Fuck him till the end of time.

Right now, faceless is looking for a fuck buddy. Not exactly a ‘fuck’ buddy. Just a friend with ‘benefits’. a ‘U-Busy?’ if you will. Someone to make out with. to USE. How can one have that in this country? I’m through with love and relationships. yet I do not want to be labeled as a slut. I want a make-out partner with no strings attached. does that even exist?

My perfect world would be a gloomy one indeed. the general feel and atmosphere would be of London’s rainy weather, except your shoes would never get wet!

I love the rain. I simply, utterly and unconditionally Love the rain. It makes me happy to wake up to a cloudy sky. clouds makes the whether yummy. it makes it romantic. it also makes the lighting quite flattering.

Walking around in my perfect world, you’d see people, generally my age, jumping in puddles. I miss jumping in puddles. One must never grow out of jumping into puddles. because that, my friends, is when you lose your spark.

They’re interesting, the thoughts you have as a child. I was so confused why some people didn’t like the color red. It made me sad till I came up with a theory. I used to think that maybe, the reason people didn’t like the color red was because everybody sees things differently. I was so convinced that no one can NOT love the color red because it was so pretty that I thought that maybe, some people, when they look at what I think is red, they see green, blue or gray.

This resulted in the production of the bizarre land that is my head.

In my perfect world, everyone DOES see color’s differently, where I see red, you see blue. but in my perfect world, everybody loves red no matter how differently they see it.

FAT is not the opposite of beautiful there. In fact, beautiful will have no opposite. regardless of the fact that beauty wouldn’t exist without its contrast, Beauty then shall have no meaning in the land I call perfect.

At the snap of a finger, a seat and an ashtray appear. Smoking is not ‘wrong’ in my perfect world. there are no labels on people there. In fact, individuality in applauded.

food is delicious. food is not what makes a person fat. Evil makes people fat. the more bad things a person does, the fatter they get. And when a person lies, their tongue turns black.

June’s answer is the one I loved best when I asked everyone what their perfect world would be like.                

   “I am a fun-loving frolicking queen and I have a kick ass guy as my king. instead of currency we use kisses. everything is abundant. sitting around talking over a pint is considered legitimate work” — June

Here is why I can’t let it go. let him go.

The potential.

The fantasy:

He loves to cook, my chef, he cooks me dinner on special occasions. He makes us a late breakfast and sometimes brunch during the weekend. He’s a workaholic, like he always was and will be, but I make it my life mission to show him that there’s more to life (and he lets me). We travel to Japan and India, sky dive and ski. We spend our nights watching movies at home, snuggling up in an extremely comfortable sofa munching down popcorn and smoking cigarettes. We go to the gym, but only for the perks. Our life together is full of music, laughter and love. love. he loves me and he shows me he loves me. He showers me with gifts, compliments and love. He takes me to Christian Louboutin for my birthday and tells me to choose anything (ok maybe I’m pushing it). We read books and compare notes. We go to salsa lessons together and dance in the rain. He loves me and desires me and gives the best kisses. he’d hold me in public and whisper yummy things in my ear when nobody is looking. I take care of him just as much as he takes care of me. We fight sometimes but there’s always make-up sex. We go shopping together and choose each other’s clothes.

Now, wouldn’t life be easier if we didn’t have all this potential?

Its the potential that kills me.

Isn’t it interesting that when life is actually going ok, I don’t blog? haha no wonder only my monstrous side shows here.

well, here’s the thing, my life is going great. this is me meeting new people, planning for the future, enjoying the company of my friends.. and just when all of it is going well, he comes along, impacts (in some way or another) and leaves me dazed.

Don’t you sometimes just wish you can know what a certain someone is thinking? don’t you just wish you could know what’s going through their minds?

the thing is, I don’t know what’s going through his mind, and frankly, I’m trying my bestest not to care. of course I’d be lying to myself if I say that I’m not interested in knowing. I mean, after all, I have openly admitted that I am in love with him. but I am gradually crawling, no, clawing my way out of that hole (with great difficulty of course). It’s a combination of making plans for my future (i.e. planning to go away for my masters) a future which, of course, does not involve him. and keeping myself busy every minute of my days.

the less time I have to think, the less time I’ll have to think about him.

And to be honest, he’s a lovely person. I love it that it’s going well between us. I love it that we’re friends and nothing more. I am painfully and slowly accepting that he has no feelings for me. that he is not thinking about me (even though it sometimes seems that there is more to it than that). but thats the thing, I’m not going to live my life assuming. I’m done analyzing and over thinking (ha!).

no one is buying this, right?

Neither am I. but I want to…

p.s. Who knew I’d be back to square one 8 months later.. jeez

I am not going to talk about it. I simply don’t want to. No, actually, I am not going to talk about it because i have nothing to say about it. I have no opinion about it. I am just as confused as the next guy.

I don’t think I should think anything about what’s happening. I don’t think there’s anything more to it. and except for some awkward moments, its as if we’re back friends, him and I.

except when he comments, then I comment, then one of us says “don’t go there”, except for that, it’s all like September 2007. And except for “who’s he?” or “who’s she?” it feels like we’re buddies.

I don’t know. I don’t know. number of times we spent on the phone all night when we were together can be counted on one hand. no. not even. on two fingers.

Last night I had to tell him to shut the phone so that I can go to sleep. Odd. Odd boy.

a do-over? I wonder..

No! I don’t wonder. I’ve come to terms with it. friends, it is.

I am not. I am not. I am not going to talk about whats bothering me. I am going to talk about everything else tho. I am going to talk about how tired I am. I am so tired that I am thinking about leaving work early. I am so tired that I am considering making myself throw up just to have an excuse to go home. I am so tired, the tired you get when for two nights in a row you sleep at 3am and your alarm rings 3 hours later. I am the tired that you only get if even in the 3 hours of rest you get, you end up waking up a few times just to get a certain idea how close it is to morning. An informative waking-up, if you will.

I am restless. I am tired. I am helpless and yet, I am not depressed. I am obviously tired, and am in a shitty mood, but i am not depressed. that’s two congratulating thumbs up to the land of My Head.

I am sure there is such a thing as a Caffeine over-dose..

– Ok, wiki says there’s no such thing.. oh well, it could’ve gotten exciting.

I don’t want exciting. I think i can settle for boring for a long long time. simple. clean. predictable.

I am not going to talk about it.

Its going to be ok. I promise me that it will be alright. oh and I’m so cold right now. AC at work is killing me…

If i had called that day, if i had called. would he still be with me? would he have come back from that long trip looking for me? would he have taken me into his arms and comforted me?

If I had called that day, if i had called, would anything have been different?

Would he have kissed me and cared for me and told me he loved me?

Would he have?

would he??

–

*flash back*

he’s just not that into you.. he never was..

–

If i had called that day, if i had begged, he still wouldn’t have loved me today, he still wouldn’t have cared..

p.s. for future reference, Mc-nick-naming someone is bad luck.. tsk tsk

On some drunken nights you might have the most insightful conversations with those you might consider the dearest of the dear to your heart. this is regardless to the fact that you could only have just met.
One drunk might come across an epiphany so insightful, that it actually might change his life. and others may speak shallowly about why coke is fizzy.
No one understands where these ideas and seriousness come from especially for those who have made an effort to keep that sense and seriousness away from their thoughts, for that drunken night at least.

Now, My drunken friend looks at me and asks me if my weight loss coincided with McEx coming into my life, and I realized, with great embarrassment, that it was true.
I admit this to her sheepishly and she tells me that there is nothing in there to be ashamed of. She says that we all need a “kick-start to things”. She said that maybe his work was done and that is why we somehow fell apart. “I’ve never seen you smile as brightly or think as positively as you have been lately, maybe he was in your life to show you that its possible to be happy.”

now, this, coming from a drunk person is funny enough but if you had seen the serious look on her face, the lack of slurring even tho she was on her (probably) 9th drink that night and all the sophisticated words that she used, you’d think it sounded more like a prophecy Madam Trelawney had conjured rather than just some wasted gibberish.

Just moments earlier, she had been slurring, trying to summon up words of persuasion to convince us to play twister with her. that idea was put to rest by telling her that the flowers were pretty. She was so distracted by the flowers, that she actually forgot Twister.

Later that night (or morning if you want to be absolutely correct), while trying to get to sleep, I was relishing, for once, that i could not stop thinking. this thinking involved replaying that conversation in my head. and I realized, she is absolutely right. I mean, yeah, its funny to be as self centered as to think that the universe is there to serve you. People come and go to benefit you. its for that reason and that reason only. To improve you, to teach you, to make you live better and to make you happy.

I can honestly say that I can live with myself thinking that way. I am going to take the stuck-up-world-revolves-around-me route from now on. there’s no way better. I’ve seen people shitty enough (not even worth the dirt that i walk on) act like they own the world. act like they are better than me.

So anyway, now that I’m flying solo in this (losing weight, being happy), and since the universe forced him to resign his post as ‘maker of positive thinking’ & ‘Motivation to lose weight’, then I’m just going to focus on being independent. I am just going to look at it from this angle. an angle that doesn’t hurt my ego as much as all the other angles. quite the opposite actually.

Here’s to flying solo… on so many levels =)

“Charlotte: Carrie, it’s only been a month. It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.
Carrie: I always like a good math solution to any love problem.
Charlotte: It’s the break-up rule — you and Big only went out for a year so that means that she’s got five more months to get over him.”

– Sex & The City

according to Charlotte, I should be good to date by now. two months of dating, almost three months of break-up days.

A show of hands to WHO thinks I’m ready to date?

I just love Sex and the City.