Jealousy
I am dazed. I am unwell. I hate it that I’ve finally realized that what i feel towards my older sister is jealousy. since she’s joined my GYM I’ve been coming up with excuses not to go. then I noticed that my trainer, who is also hers, along with everyone else at the gym have been treating me differently. everyone points out how good she is even tho she’s only been going to the gym a fraction of the time i’ve been going. everyone is pointing out how far she’s come and how good she’s become. she sticks to her diet and does everything right (BS!). ‘why can’t you be more like her, faceless? why do you always mess up?’
why can’t you be as good as her? as disciplined as her? as hard working as her? as PERFECT as her?
all I’m thinking is: The ONE thing I love and am good at, she undermines! why MY gym? why MY circle?
I hate her and i hate myself for hating her. i hate her because she’s been a source of misery in my life.
I start fucking up whatever it is I’m competing with her at!!! and LIE about it. i SEEK approval. I CRAVE acceptance. i WISH i were better than her at ONE thing!!!
just one.
all these thoughts go through my head. all these memories of hurtful things she’d said and done throughout my life:
- ‘Faceless, people wouldn’t talk about you because you’re FAT, but they would talk about our younger sister. so don’t let her be friends with the boys at college like YOU are’
- humiliating me in front of the people we were traveling with to NY. yelling at me and making everyone looking at me pitifully. people we DIDN’T know!! i attempted to hide behind a chair. trying to disregard the fact that i am huge. wanting to disappear.
- every fight we ever had. no matter who was wrong. I end up getting yelled at. she’s perfect. even if she was mistaken, it must have been I who provoked her.
I hate that i wish her death. i hate that i hate my life when she’s in it. I try to avoid her as much as i physically can. I can’t compete. i can’t win! i never could.
I simple wish..
Faceless,
I think it’s important to remember that you are too much of a unique person to subject yourself to any comparison of any kind. Sibling rivalry is an unavoidable evil, and thinking in an win-lose way never leads to any good. Apples and oranges will never be the same. I found it easier to focus on who I am, not who I am in relative to others around me.
You are unique, you don’t need to compare yourself to any other person, not even people from your own family. If you are that carefree person like I think you are, you will put this matter behind you. Even if people around you treat you like shit, it’s cuz their standards are skewed and everyone is different so go for what you like to do and never give a damn. Be free and you will be so
It’s better to focus on your identity than being jealous of your sister. You should forget about her opportunities and whatever she has, when you forget about the source of hurt believe me,you’d get over it so fast.
When you put your effort and will to reach you will but that’s when you start to love who you used to hate!!
Sister Jealousy. I’ve been there before many times, believe me. It helps to remember that she is not perfect and she has he flaws too. You might just be overlooking them. Just because she is better than you at somethings doesnt mean she’s better than you at all things. Focus on what YOU are good at and what you can change. Don’t even think about what you can’t change.