confessions of a self proclaimed hypochondriac
Definitions of hypochondria:Hypochondria (or hypochondriasis, sometimes referred to as health anxiety, health phobia) refers to an excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness. …
My worse fear is cancer. To be more specific, breast cancer. I have this image in my head of having one breast with a scar where the other one should be. Or no breasts at all.
It scares me because it feels to me like a woman loses what makes her a woman when she loses her breasts to cancer.
Now my fear has evolved. I fear lung cancer. For the last few years, I’ve been having trouble taking deep breaths and I yawn like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve not been able to run more than one minute at a time because I can’t breathe when I’m running. its like I’m holding my breath.
I’ve dismissed this problem to thinking that it’s caused by anxiety because I’ve discovered that most of the shit that happens to my body is because of stress and anxiety. My relationship with my body is weird. To be more precise, my brain’s relationship with my body is not a friendly one. They refuse to get along. I worry more than my body lets on. I think more than my brain lets on. My first panic attack happened a few months after the plane crash in 2000. My dad was going to travel and I THINK that THAT was the reason why it happened. I think that because I got up the next morning and begged him not to leave.
Its the worse feeling in the world. It was at a time where I would stay up all night online doing nothing and sleep when the sun came up. But that particular night, my laptop was on the bed next to me and I was laying down. I’d laid down to sleep except that I never leave my computer on the bed when I sleep usually. I love it too much to risk me kicking it off the bed. I was laying there with my eyes closed and I felt like I was sinking, not falling, sinking into a deep sleep. All of a sudden, I felt PANIC and didn’t want to fall asleep. I kept thinking that if I slept then, I’d die. I tried to stop the sinking and I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my eyes. I started crying then, tears started rolling down my face but I still wouldn’t wake up. I tried with all my might and I seriously thought I was dying.
I got up eventually and I didn’t sleep for three days after that. I was afraid I’d feel that fear again. I didn’t understand it. That was the worse feeling of fear in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be that afraid again.
These days, I want to go to a doctor. Not only do I feel like my lungs don’t expand enough to take deep breaths, but right now, it feels like my throat is closing in tight and making it very difficult to take breaths. Plus, its painful. I mean it could be nothing more than a cold and I should go to the doctor to put me at ease, but I’m scared.
You know what image comes to mind? You know those people who have had cancer in some part of their throat and are unable to speak again? the ones that hold this machine to their throat when they speak and some robotic voice comes out of the machine instead of their voice? that is the stupid image that’s scaring me half to death. I’m scared to go to the doctor.. haha I’m like one of those crazy uneducated people who are afraid of doctors!
Losing my mind.
you’d think with all this fear, maybe you’d connect the smoking in on all this? just stop smoking then.
One word. Smoking.
This is a perfectly normal symptom for a smoker, especially not being able to run for more than a few minutes without feeling your chest closing in and you unable to breath.
As for the other stuff, yes, sometimes we all have fears that we cannot justify - that’s the whole point. But specific cases like breast cancer can be prevented if you have more than just anxiety causing you to panic (i.e., family history). Take mammography exams and rid yourself once and for all from at least one of your worries.
Be sure that you’re not the only one who feels this way.
I don’t really understand hypochondria and I never did. Personally, I’ve always felt invincible, like nothing will ever happen to me. I think that this is an extremely naive thing to say but illnesses never feel real to me. Still, it’s all the smoking. I quit two days ago and whereas now I feel like a tiger on cocaine that has just eaten its dealer, I can’t help but notice that I breathe a little easier. Still, I am unusually stressed and very cranky so not sure if it’s all worth it anyway (surely smoking is good for blood pressure in a way? Stress-buster?).
K, was also reading your comment. You wrote:
“As for the other stuff, yes, sometimes we all have fears that we cannot justify - that’s the whole point.”
Sorry I didn’t really understand, what are you referring to as the point?
The point being that you needn’t be as frustrated over something you barely control. Phobias and fears in general do not follow the normal rules of logic. If you’re afraid of heights, then there is no way of talking you out of your fear. Hell, I’ve known someone who would freak at the sight of butterflies!
You can either try to minimize your exposure to the frightening stimuli, which is not always possible, as in the case of our friend Faceless here - maybe never speak about diseases and preferably hang out with invincible individuals such as your fine self June
OR try to conquer your fear (and there are several therapeutic techniques for this).
Hope this clears my point. I just realized how much I’ve dragged on in my answer, but there!
OK OK .. ill think about quitting smoking!!!!
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i know someone who’s afraid of the idea of putting ones finger in ones eye
BAAAhahahaa… laughing at the finger/eye thing.. yup, i know someone like that!!
HEY HEEY !! Don’t make fun of ommatophobs .. yes, it has a name