The Girl With No Face

Mood: Lazy
Song: hips don’t lie (bamboo remix) - Shakira

My dad came into my room to talk. on his way out of my room he stopped by my gold fish, whose fish bowl broke recently (and who now lives in a tiny bowl temporarily), and told the gold fish, which is almost 2 years old, “don’t worry, I’ll get you a new bowl today, do you want a fish as a companion with you also?”. Then my dad looked at me and said “ its become aggressive like a monster. when a creature is alone for a long time, they forget how to coexist with others”.

Is it scary that i felt he was talking about me?

Ok, i don’t mean to sound like a pathetic, sad and whiny human being, but I’ve been single forever (willingly<–or so i like to think) and it started when I decided that I will not go out with anyone until i figure out how to be happy on my own. because it was at a time where i wanted to be with someone, anyone, because i was so sad and i felt lonely and i needed companionship. or some crap like that.
so this happiness epiphany came to me one day, a year and a half ago, i was at home, sitting by the pool, looking at the sky, it was almost sunset. and at some point, i felt this complete clarity. A calm. a silence. Thats when i realized what this feeling was. i was happy.

so we established that, I’m happy. I was so happy on my own, and so comfortable and free with no commitment, restrictions or responsibilities. All that sorta turned into a problem. I felt like I uncovered this amazing secret that no one seemed to have figured out before me. I DON’T NEED ANYONE! I’m happy. Maybe TOO happy! and except for 3 days a month, while I’m P.M.S.ing, where I actually do feel lonely, I’m completely at ease.

And so it dragged on, and on, and on. and now I’m 23 years old single, and loving it, and i STILL don’t want to be with anyone. the thing is, its not worrying me that i don’t want to be with anyone. its actually giving me a sense of control. i feel in control cause i feel like i won’t fall for the first jerk that gives me attention. I actually have the option to choose with my head.

What i AM worried about the fact that I’ve lost the ability to have a companion.

Is that even possible?