The Girl With No Face

I can’t help it! and its prolly from lack of sleep. Lack of sleep or lack of affection. Lack of sleep or lack of companion. Lack of sleep Or lack of understanding.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care for those that just wish to point out whats wrong with me after they helped cause it.

I think I can afford having the lap-band surgery. I will do it and I don’t give two shits if anyone doesn’t want me to do it. Not my parents. not my friends.

I’m feeling the discomfort in my movement again. I feel the tightness of my pants. I see my belly growing. I see my self esteem wasting away again. And yet, I still can’t seem to stop eating. I can’t find the off switch.

Lap-band. Definitely Lap-Band. its obviously my only solution. I have to do it myself. I can’t think of anyone else because, you know what? I can never depend on people for anything. not in support and certain not in saying the right things to me. Everyone just makes things worse. So i gotta do this on my own. And since i can’t really.. I’ll just have to force my body to succumb. 

You know why I’ve given up? It’s cuz I’ve given up on the idea of being loved for what I am. I’ve given up that one day someone will love me for me. I have to mold into the ideal woman. The ‘ideal’ woman that has no fat on her body and has no hips. the ideal woman that dresses like everyone else and has long straight hair. the ideal woman that doesn’t burp or fart or do number 1 and 2 in the bathroom. the ideal woman thats obliging and never really gets anywhere in the world. I have to mold myself into something that is not me, something that I really hate.. just so that I can be loved. otherwise, nobody will love me.

Shakira knows what I’m talking about 

I’m so tired.. I’m resisting falling into depression.. resisting with all my might..

I’m so tired. I can barely get up in the morning, I usually don’t. I have not been to the gym in weeks. I can’t get myself to do anything productive. I’m so tired…

I’m tired of everything. of people. of things. of places. of faces.

I’m tired of being with people. with being alone. with movies, music and sunshine. I’m tired of the heat of the sun or the cool of the AC. I’m tired of the greyness of this country. the color of others. I’m tired of being alone, of people abandoning me. I’m tired of people constantly wanting to change me. I’m tired of the dreariness of people. I am friggin’ tired of being bored with everything and everyone.

I hate people. People must die.

I am tired of the routine and of being sucked into the conventional cycle of all human beings.

I’m tired of losing my individuality and my spirit.

I’m tired of the realization of how ordinary my life will turn out.

I’m tired of this persisting eerie feeling that something bad is going to happen or that I will die soon.

I am just tired of living.

I am tired..

i really really do. everything i’m doing is losing its yummyness.. i’m falling again into that viscious circle. the numbness. that black hole. everything is bland. and i just hate going home.

home is certainly NOT where the heart is. my heart doesn’t belong anywhere. its just floating there. idle. plain. still. numb. cracked. almost broken. always broken.

does that mean that my home and happiness is when I’m floating.. SHOULD I GET HIGH?

that was funny in theory. but i didn’t laugh.

I want to feel this. its perfection. the way it works, the numbness, the darkness, the sadness and agony is all simply… perfect.

the way i see it, there’s nothing better.

I feel this to the max. i savour it. i feel every last drop of it. its complete. it lasts. its perfect.

no other emotion is felt like my black hole. no other emotion lasts or lingers or is as deep or is even felt as completely as this beautiful black hole.

I am a masochist.

I am dazed. I am unwell. I hate it that I’ve finally realized that what i feel towards my older sister is jealousy. since she’s joined my GYM I’ve been coming up with excuses not to go. then I noticed that my trainer, who is also hers, along with everyone else at the gym have been treating me differently. everyone points out how good she is even tho she’s only been going to the gym a fraction of the time i’ve been going. everyone is pointing out how far she’s come and how good she’s become. she sticks to her diet and does everything right (BS!). ‘why can’t you be more like her, faceless? why do you always mess up?’

why can’t you be as good as her? as disciplined as her? as hard working as her? as PERFECT as her?

all I’m thinking is: The ONE thing I love and am good at, she undermines! why MY gym? why MY circle?

I hate her and i hate myself for hating her. i hate her because she’s been a source of misery in my life.

I start fucking up whatever it is I’m competing with her at!!! and LIE about it. i SEEK approval. I CRAVE acceptance. i WISH i were better than her at ONE thing!!!

just one.

all these thoughts go through my head. all these memories of hurtful things she’d said and done throughout my life:

- ‘Faceless, people wouldn’t talk about you because you’re FAT, but they would talk about our younger sister. so don’t let her be friends with the boys at college like YOU are’

- humiliating me in front of the people we were traveling with to NY. yelling at me and making everyone looking at me pitifully. people we DIDN’T know!! i attempted to hide behind a chair. trying to disregard the fact that i am huge. wanting to disappear.

- every fight we ever had. no matter who was wrong. I end up getting yelled at. she’s perfect. even if she was mistaken, it must have been I who provoked her.

I hate that i wish her death. i hate that i hate my life when she’s in it. I try to avoid her as much as i physically can. I can’t compete. i can’t win! i never could.

I simple wish..

In the past week, whenever I’d have a conversation with DIFFERENT people about DIFFERENT topic, things I’m passionate about, like freedom, religion or MUSIC even, I get the same reaction from people: “You can’t fight society, you’re only ONE person”.

what happened to passion and courage?!?!? what happened to the hippies and the 70s where people would fight for what they thought was right?!?!?!  Doesn’t a revolution start with ONE persons idea? Doesn’t a million dollars start with ONE dollar?

why do we always have to give in? and why is it that US GIRLS must sacrifice the most?

why can’t i just go to a concert to enjoy the music and dance to it just for the fuck of it? why is it that i have to think 28302830 times before i even considering attending one of those thing? why is it that when I’m there, I bump into someone related to me, who is DRUNK i might add, who YELLS at me to go home!!

I have nothing against drinking. what i do have a problem with is the fact that you were yelling at me for just being in a place where there are MEN who are DRUNK. my friend, you are just adding fuel to the fire.

You were yelling at me and telling me “what are you doing here? what could you POSSIBLY want by coming here?” *erm, the music?*

I’m not there to pick up girls like YOU are, and I’m not there to get drunk tonight. I am here for the music. plus, YOU’RE drunk, aren’t you worries that people might talk about you?

“il 9bay may3eeba shay!!” (roughly translates to  = nothing can touch a man’s reputation)

EXCUSE ME?!

“What if someone bothers you? who will be there to protect you?”

Hmmm, being that I am 3 or 4 years OLDER than you are, I think that I can take care of MYSELF!

“People will talk about you!”

and say WHAT exactly? that i was at a concert? umm, they’re kinda right, because i AM here for the music!

“People will not say that you’re here for the music, people will say that you’re out late and that you were drunk and that you’re not a good girl!”

Define ‘good girl’!! If being a good girl means doing WRONG THINGS without people knowing, then i don’t want to be a ‘good girl’ because the way i see it, most girls in this country would rather go out with guys, get drunk, get high or just be plain fucked up without anyone knowing and STILL be labeled as a ‘good girl’. i just want to live my life doing what i think is right and sometimes being a human being and wanting to do something wrong, and DOING it. i want to live in a place where i don’t have to abide by rules i don’t believe in. GIRLS have urges too!! Girls have sexual needs and needs to flirt and feel wanted, needs to be BAD and smoke weed!! we not only have to NOT do these things, we have to PRETEND that we don’t have these needs or urges!!

*do you GET how FUCKED UP that is?*

“You’re ONE person, you can’t fight the whole society!!”

WHY NOT?!? The society is WRONG!! and I’m not saying this because i think I’m right, LOGIC tells you that society is WRONG!!

“go home! or you can stay here only with ME!”

BYE

did he really expect me to stay under his mercy? Not able to walk or move or dance or even look at anyone?

fuck!! and i was so excited about it!! he ruined it for me..

3.30 p.m. Saturday. November 3rd 2007

Its amazing how alone i feel at this exact second..
Unbelievably aware of how insignificant i am..
How little i mean to the world.. And painfully realizing how no one will ever know i’m gone..
But you know what? Deep down inside.. I’m already gone..
I’m in suicidal mode right now and there’s no one who comes to mind i think would be interested in knowing this or comforting me right now.. I need to please.. Can’t burden anyone tho.. Its not fair to them..

.. I’m a Taurean! I’m independent, strong and never ask for help! Thats what got me into this mess in the first place!! I’m the one who always stays distant and mysterious!! I’m the one who has never asked for help in school even when i was a kid. I’ve always studied alone. ASK MY MUM!!! I’ve certainly never been accused of being NEEDY!!

My problem is the problem that most MOTHERS would tell you they face. they’re TAKEN FOR GRANTED!!! I’m the MOTHER in whatever group of friends I’m in. i help, i feel, i love, i take care of them, i listen to them, i hug them, i make tea, i am thoughtful, i buy the presents, i remember birthdays, i remember people’s favorite colors for fucks sake! i was once nicknamed MOTHER GOOSE..

some of the comments on the previous post were kind of hurtful and insensitive. let me tell you about a little problem of mine called DEPRESSION. I’ve been to doctors. did the tests. took the medication. did the therapy. I’m clinically depressed. yes yes, suicidal, angry fits, numbness.. the works! but being a good little Taurean, I’ve made a conscious decision to take myself of the meds and try to deal with it on my own. big mistake. but I’m determined to find a way to deal with it without being dependent on meds or a doctor. thats how independent i am.

the biggest problem of dealing with depression, besides the chemicals in your head that made you think of more shit to put yourself down, is that no one understands it unless they’ve gone through it. its not something rational, and its not something anyone normal can relate to. having a bad day or a bad mood is nowhere near what its really like. the reason that the lack of other people’s understanding of the problem is significant is because, sometimes, the only way for a depressed person to (how many people have so nicely and dismissively put it) “snap out of it”, is to have true and utter understanding. empathy and compassion. its harder to find than you think.

the asking for help from my friends and the needing them, that took a lot of guts and i had to step on a lot of pride. i did it and now i regret it. i don’t WHINE remember? PEOPLE WHINE at me!! or is it whine to me? hmm .. anyway.. I’m the person that cuts people out of her life when red flags appear. no confrontation. no hassle. just get them out of my life. thats right! ME! ..

i do complain here a lot, i guess i give people the wrong impression about me. I pull of a pretty good act around everyone in my life. I play it cool. i’ve been approached by people and was told how refreshing it is to meet someone as confident as i am. i was offered jobs because of that and I got every job i was ever interviewed for. its not an act. its a theory. an experiment if you will. i believe that if you tell yourself something long enough, you’ll start believing it.

this blog is my sanctuary. i say things here that i would never say out loud. i’m always surrounded by people. i know more people than i want to. I’m fun and people love me because i’m caring and kind. these are traits that have not changed in me for as long as i can remember. even tho i’ve tried my best to change them.
no matter how many times people disappoint me, i never stop being compassionate. i try to, but i can’t. i dunno, maybe you can blame it on the “fat” factor, or the “middle child syndrome” .. I’m done analyzing it. i can’t help being who i am. these things i mentioned are the best and worse thing about me. i am loved yet constantly disappointed. people see me as happy yet i am slowly deteriorating. i am funny, but yes, you guessed it, its a defense mechanism. I am social (god! i wish i wasn’t) but I hate people.

i seriously think I’m built backwards.

the whole point of this post is to tell you guys that not everything is what it seems. don’t play the doctor and never EVER think that you know everything. it could be a life or death situation. like for me, for instance, i can’t even tell you how many times i started writing a suicide note. i don’t think i’ll ever do it. its an embedded religious thing, even tho i’m not religious at all. its engraved somewhere in my brain. “what if there really is heaven and hell? what if its true that you go to hell? i will never get a chance to fix this!”. and yes, i do wonder what it would do to my family. but at moments of weakness, all i could think about is how to stop feeling this pain.

what the fuck!? i never asked to be born! so why bring me and rape me the way you do?
why make all this shit happen to me when i can’t cope like other people can? why bring me a best friend and then take her the fuck away from me? why make me sad when there’s no way to make me happy? why doesn’t my mother notice?

why are animals more loyal than humans? why are dogs more loyal than cats? why should i care how people feel when no one feels for me? why can’t i just move the fuck on? why is it always their way or the highway?

life, i am open to new ideas. when I’m wrong i admit that I’m wrong. why does no one else do that? why doesn’t she see that she’s been fucking me over? why don’t i have the courage to tell her to her face? i am angry. but i must NOT be angry. i must not hurt her or anyone. i don’t deserve to be angry. i want to be indifferent but i can’t. the only thing i feel is anger. i want to hurt her like she’s hurting me. my best friend -pah!- loves them more. its obvious. she’s keeping things from me which are about me just to keep them happy. she pretends that she’s doing stuff for me but its bull. why didn’t she cancel her trip to Dubai when they refused to book for me? it was supposed to be our trip! why doesn’t she defend me with them? why does she only defend them with me?

i can’t talk to her about it because whenever i do she gets headaches. i feel guilty. even tho i need her, i can’t burden her. its about her, and i can’t do anything.

when i beg her to spare time to come to see me, she sits there and rests her head in her hands looking tired. she reminds me of my mum. whenever i talk to my mum she does that. and it hurts so much. she doesn’t have the time for me. i burden her. i give her a headache.

seriously? “call your therapist” is the best you can do?

i have no one.

fuck you life! i wish you were over!

with all my hate,
Faceless

p.s. why is it that when it gets serious with me, everyone backs the fuck away? why do you only love me when I’m “happy”? deal with your shit and when you’re back to normal, come see us. fuck!

- what’s this positive thinking everyone keeps talking about? i mean what goes through the head of a person whose optimistic when something bad happens?

- what is the thing that would hypothetically push you to suicide?
and what would you write in your suicide note? and who would you address it to?

ok, they were five questions.. so sue me!

I’m blogging from work.

yes! you read correctly. I got a friggin’ job. whoop-di-fuckin-do.

i’ve had this weird cough since i started on monday, and yesterday, at work, i got my period.

and now the phone won’t stop ringing on my office mate’s desk. she’s not there. jeezz..

I don’t blog as much now. its because the people i want to blog about are people that read this blog. I don’t care anymore.

my head is fuzzy..

everyone here is a dork. there’s no one i can talk to. whats that all about?

damn .. i can’t think straight …

i already know who everyone hates and who everyone likes. backwards mentallity. can’t even wear a short skirt. fucking dirty minded fuckers.

I’m tired. the period is making me tired. my back aches and my stomach’s in knots. its her fucking birthday, the hoe thats trying to take away my best friend.

i have to show up. i’ve been avoiding them for weeks, my friends. they’re just not good for me. they’re the people who were always popular in school. they’re well trained to know exactly what to say to make people feel inferior to them. i was popular too, tho i did JUST find that out recently. but that was completely different. I was in public school. all girls. popularity had no meaning. had no status. it just happened randomly and people find out years later that they were once popular. they, my “friends” were all in private schools. mingled with snobs and got it in their heads that they’re better than everyone else.

now they’re taking my best friend away from me. she has fun with them and she likes them, a lot. who am I to stop her. but she never wants to hang out with me anymore, just the two of us.

i don’t blame her. she’s sweet. she doesn’t do it intentionally.

I’m just hurt.

my life has been drama free for weeks. its cause they’re not around me anymore. just the way i like it.

fuckin-A!! i don’t even want to meet new people. i don’t even want to make friends at work. i hate people. people suck.

you know what did it for me? what made me want to just stay the fuck away? .. when i was depressed, angry, sad.. this is how it went:

me (to two of them): you don’t even know what the fuck i’m going through, and you don’t even care.

p: no, i know exactly what you’re going though, and frankly, it is not our problem. whatever your problem is, its just that, YOUR PROBLEM. the attention you want, you are NOT going to get from us. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of everyone’s problems.

me (crying): ok, enough. please don’t say anything else.

— fast forward two weeks later, P calls me up and is sad and angry and i go to pick him up. he complains and complains and complains. angry, shouts, talks, irrationally gets into a fight with the rest. makes up with them.. four hours later, i drop him home.

I was screaming inside my head. all i did was be supportive to him. this time and thousands of times before.. i listen to him, i explain things, i make it better, i’d listen to him being irrational, i would be hurting because of something, but he’d be completely unaware and just give me his crap. i never told him, i never complained to him. i never asked him for anything.

this is my problem with him, with them, all of them. “friends” is just a word to them. they don’t know when it matters. they’re all about fun and games. talk about eachother with everyone else. drama. problems. secrets. he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. hate, resentment and jealousy. fucking psychos!!

why are Marlboro Ultra lights hurting my throat? whats different?

my head is fuzzy.. it feels heavier than usual. my fingers are cold. my outfit is girly eww.. my phone never rings. and when it does, i don’t pick up.

see ya

has anyone ever died of loneliness?
and if they have, did they die of the pain or from some odd eating disorder?

I am living proof of one of the most vicious cycles ever known to man.

The curse of the fat girl:

i live
i eat
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
etc..

I’m not blaming anyone for this.. i have lots of people to blame, but I’ve decided to take responsibility for my actions.

I’m not blaming the majority of the human race for finding fat repulsive. i find it repulsive myself.

I’m not blaming clothes designers and manufacturers for making clothes for skinny girls. the stuff they make look better on skinny girls.

I’m not blaming the people that throw random hurtful brutal comments at fat people in the streets/at the mall/at school/work/home wherever. i secretly have these thoughts about fat people myself.

I’m not blaming all the guys in my life who say that I’m “one of the guys ’cause you’re so cool” every day of my life and then ask me to hook them up with a friend of mine. i wouldn’t want to be with me either.

I’m not blaming my mum for calling me a cow at my most vulnerable. I am a cow.

its painful. but i don’t blame any of these people.

maybe its my personality thats shitty. lol

oh dear friends, I am sure everyone in my life knows how much i need somebody to love me. but you know what? if there was someone who loves me. i wouldn’t believe them.

p.s. I am not looking for compliments. this is my way of venting. so fight the urge to lie to me. and for those who wish to put me down furthermore, fuck off with all my heart!!!

I’m one of the guys yet I’m not a guy..
I’m female yet I’m not a chick..
I’m satisfied yet I’m not happy..
I’m in pain yet I’m not bleeding..
I’m shaking yet I’m not cold..
I’m not dead yet I’m not alive..

I’m in Limbo