The Girl With No Face

I’m having the Lap Band surgery tomorrow. I’ve been having a hard time thinking about life without the comfort of food. I have love/hate feelings towards food. I resent food for making me fat and yet food is my favorite addiction. I have no idea how to comfort myself otherwise. without food, I can just picture myself walking around crying all day.

Whats the best way to get over an addiction? replacing it with another addiction. Now, I honestly don’t want to smoke even more than I already do. And drinking isn’t an option for me. Not in Bahrain. I’m thinking, the gym can be an option for an addiction from now on.

God, I so don’t want to become one of those obsessed people who do nothing but eat lettuce and go to the gym.. and are so very perky.. eww..

I see the war ending between me and Fat. I see it ending soon. and I am victorious!

I can’t help it! and its prolly from lack of sleep. Lack of sleep or lack of affection. Lack of sleep or lack of companion. Lack of sleep Or lack of understanding.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care for those that just wish to point out whats wrong with me after they helped cause it.

I think I can afford having the lap-band surgery. I will do it and I don’t give two shits if anyone doesn’t want me to do it. Not my parents. not my friends.

I’m feeling the discomfort in my movement again. I feel the tightness of my pants. I see my belly growing. I see my self esteem wasting away again. And yet, I still can’t seem to stop eating. I can’t find the off switch.

Lap-band. Definitely Lap-Band. its obviously my only solution. I have to do it myself. I can’t think of anyone else because, you know what? I can never depend on people for anything. not in support and certain not in saying the right things to me. Everyone just makes things worse. So i gotta do this on my own. And since i can’t really.. I’ll just have to force my body to succumb. 

You know why I’ve given up? It’s cuz I’ve given up on the idea of being loved for what I am. I’ve given up that one day someone will love me for me. I have to mold into the ideal woman. The ‘ideal’ woman that has no fat on her body and has no hips. the ideal woman that dresses like everyone else and has long straight hair. the ideal woman that doesn’t burp or fart or do number 1 and 2 in the bathroom. the ideal woman thats obliging and never really gets anywhere in the world. I have to mold myself into something that is not me, something that I really hate.. just so that I can be loved. otherwise, nobody will love me.

Shakira knows what I’m talking about 

I am dazed. I am unwell. I hate it that I’ve finally realized that what i feel towards my older sister is jealousy. since she’s joined my GYM I’ve been coming up with excuses not to go. then I noticed that my trainer, who is also hers, along with everyone else at the gym have been treating me differently. everyone points out how good she is even tho she’s only been going to the gym a fraction of the time i’ve been going. everyone is pointing out how far she’s come and how good she’s become. she sticks to her diet and does everything right (BS!). ‘why can’t you be more like her, faceless? why do you always mess up?’

why can’t you be as good as her? as disciplined as her? as hard working as her? as PERFECT as her?

all I’m thinking is: The ONE thing I love and am good at, she undermines! why MY gym? why MY circle?

I hate her and i hate myself for hating her. i hate her because she’s been a source of misery in my life.

I start fucking up whatever it is I’m competing with her at!!! and LIE about it. i SEEK approval. I CRAVE acceptance. i WISH i were better than her at ONE thing!!!

just one.

all these thoughts go through my head. all these memories of hurtful things she’d said and done throughout my life:

- ‘Faceless, people wouldn’t talk about you because you’re FAT, but they would talk about our younger sister. so don’t let her be friends with the boys at college like YOU are’

- humiliating me in front of the people we were traveling with to NY. yelling at me and making everyone looking at me pitifully. people we DIDN’T know!! i attempted to hide behind a chair. trying to disregard the fact that i am huge. wanting to disappear.

- every fight we ever had. no matter who was wrong. I end up getting yelled at. she’s perfect. even if she was mistaken, it must have been I who provoked her.

I hate that i wish her death. i hate that i hate my life when she’s in it. I try to avoid her as much as i physically can. I can’t compete. i can’t win! i never could.

I simple wish..

I’m from the 20%. The 20% of people who the balloon doesn’t work with.

“Your food wasn’t too much to begin with” said the doctor, “This procedure works for people who are over weight because of eating large amounts of food”.

“But I’m working out everyday and my food is so much healthier than before.” I said sniffing, “I can’t believe that it works for 80 percent of people and I’m not one of them!”

Boys and girls, its time for desperate measures.

I met this girl at the hair dressers, just randomly. We hit it off! We were talking and laughing and stuff. Then she said, “this is what I’m talking about, big girls are so much more fun than skinny girls, no offense!” She was big too. And I didn’t take offense. And you know what? She’s right.

I don’t blame her because I’m also usually thrown off when I click with someone in this country.

A few nights ago, my sister wanted to go to the Tiesto party, and her friends weren’t going. I told her that a few of my friends are going and she can go with them if she wanted. She said “But your friends talk and stuff and I don’t know how to ‘talk’ to people”. So I told her “that’s because you’ve always been a thin, pretty girl who never had to make an effort with anyone.” As soon as I blurted that out, I worried that I might have been too harsh, but you know what? She just shrugged and changed the topic. I presume that she agrees with me.

I’ve been reading this book, ’The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life’ by Wendy Shanker. I gotta tell ya; this woman is my soul mate!! :)  She even said that she’d wear red in her wedding. I ALWAYS say that!! 

The book talks humorously yet honestly about the way a fat person perceives the world. And how difficult it is being the way we are. But its also empowering and it boosts the self esteem. I love it!!!The book was so well written and so true!! While reading it I would yell “I KNOW!” all the time to no one in particular.I recommend this book to anyone and everyone, not just fat people. Anyone who knows anyone fat and anyone who thinks they’re fat, you’re gonna love yourself so much more after reading this book!!

wow, I couldn’t ask for more support in my life you guys have no idea what you mean to me. everyone who reads my blog, the wishes, the prayers, the advice and genuine concern. I love you guys *hugs*

I went for it. on the 30th, I had the procedure done. and bloody hell was it more painful than i had anticipated. i should have taken Seroo’s advice from the previous post and talked to someone about it.

One thing kept me quiet and strong through all the pain and vomiting, i kept thinking about how much i want this and how I will look later.

I have trouble envisioning myself in a thin body. I guess spending most of my life in this one has given me some kind of body dysmorphic disorder. hahah maybe I’m just being too dramatic.

I’mma have to stay strong tho. I have this problem where whenever something is going right, in my life, I ruin it. I don’t know if its intentional or what, i just do it.

I’m gonna take Salsa lessons and walk and eventually run on the treadmill and I’ll be as healthy as a person can be. I promise you this.

I’m sure i can do this. I have to. This is probably my last chance.

I’m getting something done. its called a BioEnterics Intragastric Balloon or BIB.

I don’t really know what changed the parents’ minds but I’m not going to question it a lot. This thing could happen as soon as the coming week. And I’m having totally mixed feelings about what’s going to happen.I’ve not been blogging about it because it just seemed too good to be true. I felt like it wouldn’t happen. So I put my thoughts in my diary. But now, that it’s out in the open lol I’ll type up what’s in my diary here.

Thursday 24th of May 2007. 1am:

“I need to remember how I feel right now… I need to remember how I felt today when that guy was looking at me. I felt embarrassed for him. I was thinking that if he saw me outside the car, standing up, he would not look at me. I thought that he would pretend that he didn’t see me.

I feel alone and I feel that I always will be.

I am ashamed to be me. I now hate going to places where people are because I don’t want them seeing me.

I’ve run out of courage. That courage that I have to muster up every time I’m in a public place. To pretend that I don’t see the looks and to pretend that I don’t know what they’re thinking. Trying to push away from my mind that there is a huge possibility the people laughing in the corner are laughing at me.

I am very conscious of my belly and the fat on my back. I’ve ruled out the possibility of anyone liking the way I look or liking me anyway.”

Friday 25th of May 2007:

• “ I can’t wait for the rest of my life to start.
• I can’t wait to see people’s reactions.
• I’m really scared that the problem is me, not my fat.
• I’m excited about the attention I’ll be getting.
• I’m so scared that I’ll not get any attention.
• I can’t wait to go shopping.
• I can’t wait to wear a bikini.

For the first time since as long as I can remember, I am hopeful.”

has anyone ever died of loneliness?
and if they have, did they die of the pain or from some odd eating disorder?

I am living proof of one of the most vicious cycles ever known to man.

The curse of the fat girl:

i live
i eat
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
etc..

I’m not blaming anyone for this.. i have lots of people to blame, but I’ve decided to take responsibility for my actions.

I’m not blaming the majority of the human race for finding fat repulsive. i find it repulsive myself.

I’m not blaming clothes designers and manufacturers for making clothes for skinny girls. the stuff they make look better on skinny girls.

I’m not blaming the people that throw random hurtful brutal comments at fat people in the streets/at the mall/at school/work/home wherever. i secretly have these thoughts about fat people myself.

I’m not blaming all the guys in my life who say that I’m “one of the guys ’cause you’re so cool” every day of my life and then ask me to hook them up with a friend of mine. i wouldn’t want to be with me either.

I’m not blaming my mum for calling me a cow at my most vulnerable. I am a cow.

its painful. but i don’t blame any of these people.

maybe its my personality thats shitty. lol

oh dear friends, I am sure everyone in my life knows how much i need somebody to love me. but you know what? if there was someone who loves me. i wouldn’t believe them.

p.s. I am not looking for compliments. this is my way of venting. so fight the urge to lie to me. and for those who wish to put me down furthermore, fuck off with all my heart!!!

- “I Never”. dangerous dangerous game. especially if there are things in your friend’s lives that you have no interest in knowing.

- you can be with a million people 24 hours a day and still feel you’re alone.

- the feeling of hopelessness i have is overwhelming. and what’s even sadder is that i have no one in my life who cares.

- I realized that the amount of hate i have towards people who lie to me, CONTINUOUSLY and to my face even tho “all clues point to yes”, is more than i can handle.

- sometimes the people you love most in the world are the people that kick you when you’re down.

fuck that