The Girl With No Face

this is dedicated to my Lunatic friend (she introduced me to this song). I can’t seem to get this song out of my head. The song also reminds me of my long lost friends. The ones that couldn’t take it. the ones that ran away when I pushed them away. the friend that i thought was “my person”. the person who gets me, the person who will take my side no matter what and the person who will always be there for me.I had an epiphany when I was out with Lunatic a couple of nights ago. I realised that I push people away because I want to see how far I can push before they will stop loving me. I would look for the tiniest thing to piss me off at some point and I’d hate them and push them away. I want to be the one to do it in fear that they will get bored of me or stop caring about me and leave me first.

I don’t know where this came from. Lune said that I’m insecure. Duh. but really, it comes from my strong belief that there is no such thing as “unconditional love”. My father used to have my picture in a frame on his bedside table. Once, a couple of years ago, he was angry with me, he threw the picture frame on the floor and said “this is not my daughter”.

my friend fatima once said something that keeps repeating in my head. she said “when you stay away, people WILL forget you.” she’s right. she’s right. it happens. its happened. My best friend of ten years fucking forgot me. And she says that she “didn’t change”.

so I ask you, do you believe in unconditional love?

“Everyone laughed at her joke
As if they’d never even heard it before
And maybe they were truly amused
But every word that she spoke was a bore
And maybe it’s because they had seen
The previews on the TV screen
Well this part is good and that’s well understood
So you should laugh if you know what I mean

But it’s all relative
Even if you don’t understand
Well it’s all understood
Especially when you don’t understand
Then it’s all just because
Even if we don’t understand
Then lets all just believe

Everyone knows what went down
Because the news was spread all over town
And fact is only what you believe
And fact and fiction work as a team
It’s almost always fiction in the end
That content begins to bend
When context is never the same

And it’s all relative
Even if we don’t understand
And it’s all understood
Especially when we don’t understand
Then it’s all just because
Even if we don’t understand
Then lets all just believe

I was reading a book
Or maybe it was a magazine
Suggestions on where to place faith
Suggestions on what to believe
But I read somewhere
That you’ve got to beware
You can’t believe anything you read
But the good Book is good
And that’s well understood
So don’t even question
If you know what I mean

But it’s all relative
Even if you don’t understand
Well it’s all understood
Especially when you don’t understand
And it’s all just because
Even if we don’t understand
Then lets all just believe

But there you go once again
You missed the point and then you point
Your fingers at me
And say that I said not to believe
I believe
I guess
I guess it’s all relative”

P.S. do you love the song?

“June Said: What are you on about? Didn’t you know girls never poop and all their farts smell like roses?”

I once had a conversation with 4 guys and 3 girls about this:

all 8 of us were sitting around watching a really stupid show called “pepper dennis” its stupid .. it was on mute. i promise. our standards of tv entertainment are much much higher than “pepper dennis”.
aaaaaaanyway, so this really hot guy on the show takes of his shirt. *sigh* he doesn’t have a 6 pack, he’s got like a 12 pack.

so KJ turns to the girls and says “Do you girls think that this is what guys’ bodies look like or are supposed to look like?”
(this, by the way, is the first time any bahraini guy shows any evidence of insecurity)

me: “no, we’ve come to terms with the fact that in this country, this kind of body doesn’t exist. plus bahraini boys are hairy and gross, but there’s nothing we can do about it”

S *sarcastically*: “yea, we’re used to it. we are just supposed to thank god for even having a smelly hairy ugly guy in our lives”

the rest of the girls: “YEA! so grateful!!” “please grace us with your presence”

one of the guys says “what are we supposed to do? god gave us this hair!!!”

S: “wax it off!!”

me: “yea!! god made hair grow out of MY armpit!! but i REMOVE MINE!!! .. why don’t you do the same??!!”

*everyone laughs*

me: “whats so funny?”

S: “we didn’t need to know that!”

me: “know what? about the armpit thing?? jeeeeeeeeeez I’M SO sorry S, not all of us have flowers growing out of our armpits like YOU!!”

*more laughter*

S: “no, i mean its not something we say”

me: “but guys go around proudly scratching their balls while farting!! with hairy, sweaty armpits, furry backs, hairy arms and legs and they don’t even bother to shave every other day all the while thinking they’re gods gift to women.. AAAAND they give us shit when we have one litttle hair out of place on our eye brows!!! and we are supposed to pretend that we don’t eat!! we never burp!! have naturally perfect eye brows, perfect skin, we never fart, we piss perfume and we don’t even have a friggin’ poop chute!!!!”

p (pointing at Rebecca Romain on TV and completely unaware of the speech i had just given) said: “but girls are supposed to look this way!!”

girls: “WHATtheFUCKISWRONGwithYOUYOUSTUPIDidiotYOUHAVEnoIDEAWHATWEGOTHROUGHtoREMOTELYREACHpeople’s STANDARDSinTHISCOUNTRY!!FUCKINGHELLyouSHOULDhavebabiesNOTUSWEGOthroughENOUGHpain!!!!!!”

me: “p, did you watch 40 year old virgin?”

p: “yea”

me: “you saw the part where they waxed his chest?”

p: “yes”

me: “are you willing to do that? just for the fuck of feeling the pain we feel for once in your life”

p: “no”

me: “then shut up! i hope you marry a hairy girl and find out that she’s hairy on your wedding night!!”

————

now boys, crack your knuckles, stretch, and start explaining to me how this backwards mentality came to be.
yes, you have to do this!! unless you want to risk extinction!!
its your responsibility to your gender! MAKE US, FRUSTRATED GIRLS, UNDERSTAND!

p.s. I think guys look more manly with chest hair and that rugged unshaven look. its hot. i was just making a point. about men’s expectations vs. women’s expectations of the opposite sex

what the fuck!? i never asked to be born! so why bring me and rape me the way you do?
why make all this shit happen to me when i can’t cope like other people can? why bring me a best friend and then take her the fuck away from me? why make me sad when there’s no way to make me happy? why doesn’t my mother notice?

why are animals more loyal than humans? why are dogs more loyal than cats? why should i care how people feel when no one feels for me? why can’t i just move the fuck on? why is it always their way or the highway?

life, i am open to new ideas. when I’m wrong i admit that I’m wrong. why does no one else do that? why doesn’t she see that she’s been fucking me over? why don’t i have the courage to tell her to her face? i am angry. but i must NOT be angry. i must not hurt her or anyone. i don’t deserve to be angry. i want to be indifferent but i can’t. the only thing i feel is anger. i want to hurt her like she’s hurting me. my best friend -pah!- loves them more. its obvious. she’s keeping things from me which are about me just to keep them happy. she pretends that she’s doing stuff for me but its bull. why didn’t she cancel her trip to Dubai when they refused to book for me? it was supposed to be our trip! why doesn’t she defend me with them? why does she only defend them with me?

i can’t talk to her about it because whenever i do she gets headaches. i feel guilty. even tho i need her, i can’t burden her. its about her, and i can’t do anything.

when i beg her to spare time to come to see me, she sits there and rests her head in her hands looking tired. she reminds me of my mum. whenever i talk to my mum she does that. and it hurts so much. she doesn’t have the time for me. i burden her. i give her a headache.

seriously? “call your therapist” is the best you can do?

i have no one.

fuck you life! i wish you were over!

with all my hate,
Faceless

p.s. why is it that when it gets serious with me, everyone backs the fuck away? why do you only love me when I’m “happy”? deal with your shit and when you’re back to normal, come see us. fuck!

I’m blogging from work.

yes! you read correctly. I got a friggin’ job. whoop-di-fuckin-do.

i’ve had this weird cough since i started on monday, and yesterday, at work, i got my period.

and now the phone won’t stop ringing on my office mate’s desk. she’s not there. jeezz..

I don’t blog as much now. its because the people i want to blog about are people that read this blog. I don’t care anymore.

my head is fuzzy..

everyone here is a dork. there’s no one i can talk to. whats that all about?

damn .. i can’t think straight …

i already know who everyone hates and who everyone likes. backwards mentallity. can’t even wear a short skirt. fucking dirty minded fuckers.

I’m tired. the period is making me tired. my back aches and my stomach’s in knots. its her fucking birthday, the hoe thats trying to take away my best friend.

i have to show up. i’ve been avoiding them for weeks, my friends. they’re just not good for me. they’re the people who were always popular in school. they’re well trained to know exactly what to say to make people feel inferior to them. i was popular too, tho i did JUST find that out recently. but that was completely different. I was in public school. all girls. popularity had no meaning. had no status. it just happened randomly and people find out years later that they were once popular. they, my “friends” were all in private schools. mingled with snobs and got it in their heads that they’re better than everyone else.

now they’re taking my best friend away from me. she has fun with them and she likes them, a lot. who am I to stop her. but she never wants to hang out with me anymore, just the two of us.

i don’t blame her. she’s sweet. she doesn’t do it intentionally.

I’m just hurt.

my life has been drama free for weeks. its cause they’re not around me anymore. just the way i like it.

fuckin-A!! i don’t even want to meet new people. i don’t even want to make friends at work. i hate people. people suck.

you know what did it for me? what made me want to just stay the fuck away? .. when i was depressed, angry, sad.. this is how it went:

me (to two of them): you don’t even know what the fuck i’m going through, and you don’t even care.

p: no, i know exactly what you’re going though, and frankly, it is not our problem. whatever your problem is, its just that, YOUR PROBLEM. the attention you want, you are NOT going to get from us. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of everyone’s problems.

me (crying): ok, enough. please don’t say anything else.

— fast forward two weeks later, P calls me up and is sad and angry and i go to pick him up. he complains and complains and complains. angry, shouts, talks, irrationally gets into a fight with the rest. makes up with them.. four hours later, i drop him home.

I was screaming inside my head. all i did was be supportive to him. this time and thousands of times before.. i listen to him, i explain things, i make it better, i’d listen to him being irrational, i would be hurting because of something, but he’d be completely unaware and just give me his crap. i never told him, i never complained to him. i never asked him for anything.

this is my problem with him, with them, all of them. “friends” is just a word to them. they don’t know when it matters. they’re all about fun and games. talk about eachother with everyone else. drama. problems. secrets. he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. hate, resentment and jealousy. fucking psychos!!

why are Marlboro Ultra lights hurting my throat? whats different?

my head is fuzzy.. it feels heavier than usual. my fingers are cold. my outfit is girly eww.. my phone never rings. and when it does, i don’t pick up.

see ya

I Just got back from the last Spring Of Culture show at the Arad Fort. Un-fucking-believable!!

talk about the essence of Brazil! talk about truly bringing us Culture!
ok, i won’t pretend that I’m any kind of expert, I’ve never been to Brazil. but for two hours tonight, I lived Brazil.It was like magic. the second act was, i dunno if this is the right word, a symphony. four people appeared on the stage holding little instruments. the light fell on them and only them, and they started playing the instruments. playing something beautiful. then more people walked onto the stage, carrying strange little things that made noise that fit beautifully into the beautiful music. I guess thats when i fell in love.from the moment i sat down till the moment the show ended, the smile did not leave my face. and now my face aches, but my heart doesn’t. the beauty, the music, the life and the chemistry! it made me happy.

now lets start talking about the washboard abs of Brazil’s beautiful men.
here’s to a country where women look like women and men look like MEN!! the women aren’t perfect and neither are the men, but they’re all beautiful. they’re confident and proud of their bodies! I suppose that THAT is enough to make a person beautiful.

but the men, oh the gorgeous men, *sigh* made us feel things that we’re not supposed to.

at some point, one guy was dancing and took of his shirt. all the chicks in the audience shouted “WOOHOO!” while clapping, then, abruptly, they all went quiet! i guess that, for a second, all of us girls forgot where we were. don’t forget that on this island, you are NOT allowed to show your feelings or express any emotions.

one of my friends said something very funny. she said “when i saw them move, the first thing that came to mind was that these people must be amazing in bed.” and another friend said “so what do you think these guys are doing later tonight?”

hear my virgin friends speak! they’re almost prudes, but this is what Brazil did to them.

yes. the show made the sexually active more active, and the sexually frustrated *ahem* more frustrated.

but us girls weren’t the only ones who were entertained. one act was of this couple dancing, and the chick was wearing a strapless tutu. now, i asked a couple of people and not everyone noticed, but the people in the front all saw what happened. half way through the dancing, one of her breasts popped out!! *this is the part where you gasp* i kid you not! i wasn’t completely sure until i saw some people looking embarrassed, with their hands on their mouths, trying to look away.
I was embarrassed for the girl. i was also traumatized. i can’t imagine how humiliating it would be to have that happen to someone in front of so many people. but you know what? being the Brazilian she is, she strutted back on stage smiling and dancing as if nothing had happened.

Sadly though, the show had to end at some point. plus my ass was falling asleep.
I’m happy to say that a very entertained audience gave them a standing ovation which was well deserved! everyone was in awe. everyone was impressed.

but i gotta say, the parliament is gonna have a field day with this show. even if the boob went unnoticed, we still got to see boys and girls in panties!I’m so happy I went to this show!! it was totally worth it! but at the rate that the stupid parliament is going, i don’t think that we’re going to have any shows like this one in any future “Spring Of Culture”, and thats if there even IS a “Spring Of Culture” in the future!!lets look on the bright side, i was exposed to a culture and now I’m in love. maybe there’s something there. maybe I’ll have a Brazilian wax and marry a Brazilian and have cute, dancing Brazilian babies. or maybe i just go there on my next vacation!I Salute You Brazil!! the country, the people, the passion and the culture. you must be proud!

has anyone ever died of loneliness?
and if they have, did they die of the pain or from some odd eating disorder?

I am living proof of one of the most vicious cycles ever known to man.

The curse of the fat girl:

i live
i eat
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
etc..

I’m not blaming anyone for this.. i have lots of people to blame, but I’ve decided to take responsibility for my actions.

I’m not blaming the majority of the human race for finding fat repulsive. i find it repulsive myself.

I’m not blaming clothes designers and manufacturers for making clothes for skinny girls. the stuff they make look better on skinny girls.

I’m not blaming the people that throw random hurtful brutal comments at fat people in the streets/at the mall/at school/work/home wherever. i secretly have these thoughts about fat people myself.

I’m not blaming all the guys in my life who say that I’m “one of the guys ’cause you’re so cool” every day of my life and then ask me to hook them up with a friend of mine. i wouldn’t want to be with me either.

I’m not blaming my mum for calling me a cow at my most vulnerable. I am a cow.

its painful. but i don’t blame any of these people.

maybe its my personality thats shitty. lol

oh dear friends, I am sure everyone in my life knows how much i need somebody to love me. but you know what? if there was someone who loves me. i wouldn’t believe them.

p.s. I am not looking for compliments. this is my way of venting. so fight the urge to lie to me. and for those who wish to put me down furthermore, fuck off with all my heart!!!

- “oh, did you know that B’s girlfriend used to be engaged?” Says “A” to me while we were in the car alone on our way to pick up S.
- “oh really?”– S gets in the car — “do you think B knows?” I say to A.
- “Know what?” asks S
- “That B’s girlfriend was engaged” i tell S
- “Oh my god! Do you think B knows?” asks S
- “I don’t know and i don’t care” says A

——— 7 hours later

- “I’m sorry, but I told my boyfriend K about it, and he insists on telling B because he’s one of his best friends” Said S to A over the phone.
- “K will call you now”
- “what? why? when I talked about it, i was just mentioning it. i didn’t mean that he has to know! who are we to interfere?” A argued
- “talk to him.”

———- a few minutes later

- “it was not a big deal. why are you making it a big deal?” A asked K
- “I’m not saying it is, but i have to tell him. he’s my friend and if he found out somewhere down the line, and he found out that i already knew and didn’t tell him, he will be pissed” said K
- “but..”
- “No buts.. I’ll tell him and don’t worry, you’re not getting into trouble.”

———— after i argued with A about it, I decided to call K

- “K, why the hell are you making this a big deal? it will look like we’re interfering.”
- “yeah, but .. ”
- ” and what if his girlfriend already told him that she was engaged but he respected her privacy by not telling any of us, then we’ll be mingling. yes?”
- “aha, but .. ”
- “no buts, you’re making this huge and it will be bigger if you don’t shut up. i can’t believe how much drama is in this group. the last problem ended like 5 hours ago. its over. done with.”
- “so i shouldn’t tell him? I’ll feel like shit if i don’t”

*the phone beeped i was getting another call*

- “I gave you my opinion. you do what you think is right” I said
- “OK, i won’t do anything. but this is the last time something like this happens. if anyone has anything to say, they go directly to the person and tells them, NOT tell the rest. so now four of us know, there’s no need to tell M and P, its gone far enough!”
- “ok, i don’t give two shits anyway. I’m just sick of this drama”

——— I shut the phone then noticed the missed call from P

- “Hi P, whats up?”
- “Nothing, who were you talking to just now?”
- “K”
- “thats weird, he doesn’t usually call you at this time of night, does he?”
- “no, not really.”
- “whats going on?”
- “its nothing. he wanted to talk about something.”
- “was it about me?”
- “of course not!”
- “was it about A?”
- “no, not really. look, its nothing. forget it. its about B. its got nothing to do with us”
- “B’s girlfriend?”
- “what about her?”
- “i think i know what you’re talking about. i know about her and her past.”
- “that she was engaged?”
- “WHAT? she was engaged?”
- “oops”
- “i was gonna say that she’s kinda a hoe!!”

————after explaining the situation and having P yell at me for opening my big mouth in front of S when i know that S tells K everything:

- “Enough with the drama!!” P said
- “uff i wish i never told you!! but you pushed to know!! jesus!! i can’t say anything can I!!”

*phone beeped*

- “One sec”

*switch calls*

- “hey S whats up!”
- “who you talking to?”
- “why is everyone so nosy today? I’m talking to P”
- “did you tell him?”
- “yeah, but don’t tell K”
- “i regret telling him about B’s girlfriend. he’s so annoying!!”
- “learn to shut up next time!!”
- “i know. but why did you tell P?”
- “he kinda already knew” *white lie*
- “what? how?”
- “he’s on the other line. i gotta go!!”

*switch calls*

- “I swear this group lives on drama” I say
- “for future reference, do NOT interfere!!”
- “I didn’t!! apparently, i can’t even make conversation!!! everything anyone ever says becomes a big deal!! I WANT OUT!!”

I’M SURE YOU HAD ENOUGH BY NOW… IMAGINE HOW I FEEL!!!

god KNOWS what tomorrow holds!!

thanks Karma, but no thanks!
i can’t stand to see my baby sister like this any longer.
even tho she stood and watched me fade away.

thanks karma, but no thanks!

Dear Diary,

so now they told me the truth. my intuition was correct. i can’t help but have flashbacks.
all the times they made me feel crazy and all the times they made me doubt myself are very
fresh in my mind. i have conflicting emotions. happy that I got my sanity and confidence in my
intuition back, and sad that they were willing to sacrifice my friendship for something as stupid
and as uninteresting as their precious secret. conflicting feelings like my relief that they trust
me now and my disappointment now that i really cared.

it was way too late.

but i dunno why i’m happy.

love,
me

Dear Diary,

they’re fun, my friends, but I still feel weird.

they say they love me, but i somehow doubt them. a lot. and i have good reason to.

do i hold grudges? .. hmm .. maybe ..

do i really play the middle child? do i use that as an excuse for everything?

hmm .. possibly.

am i happy? .. umm .. yeah..

i still feel betrayed tho

oh well.

Love,
Me

for months i’ve been going over and over things in my head. Do i over analyze? Do i over-”feel”? do i over react? do i? am i a drama queen??

the thing is, i CAN’T always be wrong, can I?

so today I was watching this movie “little black book” and this chick, stacy, said “Omission Is Betrayal!”

and dear god, i have never heard truer words!

my whole tragic fucking story is explained in THREE LITTLE WORDS. and no, the words are NOT “i love you”. the words are: Omission is Betrayal.

i completely have the right to be pissed. i completely have the right to feel betrayed. i completely have the right to be shitty about it.

here are other three words that make sense to me: PEOPLE ARE SHITTY!!!

- “I Never”. dangerous dangerous game. especially if there are things in your friend’s lives that you have no interest in knowing.

- you can be with a million people 24 hours a day and still feel you’re alone.

- the feeling of hopelessness i have is overwhelming. and what’s even sadder is that i have no one in my life who cares.

- I realized that the amount of hate i have towards people who lie to me, CONTINUOUSLY and to my face even tho “all clues point to yes”, is more than i can handle.

- sometimes the people you love most in the world are the people that kick you when you’re down.

fuck that

i never thought the words “it’s okay!” would feel so good.

I was at the drive through in McD’s with a friend and i couldn’t stop talking about how impressed i am with him being so young yet so driven and on the right track.

then i couldn’t stop talking about how everything in my head is chaotic and “floopy”. i kept talking about how i have no idea what i want to do with my life.

i have no idea where my life is going. and my parents are pressuring me to actually do something!

all the plans i had for myself all my life have all gone to shit because they don’t seem as worthwhile as they seemed when i thought them up.

so he says: “faceless, its Okay! you’ll find your way.” and he said it with such conviction that for a second i actually believed him!

he said: “there two kinds of people in life. the kind that put their dreams on hold and just go with the flow, and the kind that insist on making their dreams come true. you are the latter.”

*hugs*

or Happy Chrismukkah..
whichever you prefer.

I’ve been looking forward to today. i hope its a good day.

i love you guys.

fuck everyone who plays mind games..
fuck everyone who plays mind games just for the fuck of it..
fuck everyone who ever fucking fucked with my mind just because I’m nice..

fuck you fuckers