The Girl With No Face

My perfect world would be a gloomy one indeed. the general feel and atmosphere would be of London’s rainy weather, except your shoes would never get wet!

I love the rain. I simply, utterly and unconditionally Love the rain. It makes me happy to wake up to a cloudy sky. clouds makes the whether yummy. it makes it romantic. it also makes the lighting quite flattering.

Walking around in my perfect world, you’d see people, generally my age, jumping in puddles. I miss jumping in puddles. One must never grow out of jumping into puddles. because that, my friends, is when you lose your spark.

They’re interesting, the thoughts you have as a child. I was so confused why some people didn’t like the color red. It made me sad till I came up with a theory. I used to think that maybe, the reason people didn’t like the color red was because everybody sees things differently. I was so convinced that no one can NOT love the color red because it was so pretty that I thought that maybe, some people, when they look at what I think is red, they see green, blue or gray.

This resulted in the production of the bizarre land that is my head.

In my perfect world, everyone DOES see color’s differently, where I see red, you see blue. but in my perfect world, everybody loves red no matter how differently they see it.

FAT is not the opposite of beautiful there. In fact, beautiful will have no opposite. regardless of the fact that beauty wouldn’t exist without its contrast, Beauty then shall have no meaning in the land I call perfect.

At the snap of a finger, a seat and an ashtray appear. Smoking is not ‘wrong’ in my perfect world. there are no labels on people there. In fact, individuality in applauded.

food is delicious. food is not what makes a person fat. Evil makes people fat. the more bad things a person does, the fatter they get. And when a person lies, their tongue turns black.

June’s answer is the one I loved best when I asked everyone what their perfect world would be like.                

   “I am a fun-loving frolicking queen and I have a kick ass guy as my king. instead of currency we use kisses. everything is abundant. sitting around talking over a pint is considered legitimate work” — June

i really really do. everything i’m doing is losing its yummyness.. i’m falling again into that viscious circle. the numbness. that black hole. everything is bland. and i just hate going home.

home is certainly NOT where the heart is. my heart doesn’t belong anywhere. its just floating there. idle. plain. still. numb. cracked. almost broken. always broken.

does that mean that my home and happiness is when I’m floating.. SHOULD I GET HIGH?

that was funny in theory. but i didn’t laugh.

I want to feel this. its perfection. the way it works, the numbness, the darkness, the sadness and agony is all simply… perfect.

the way i see it, there’s nothing better.

I feel this to the max. i savour it. i feel every last drop of it. its complete. it lasts. its perfect.

no other emotion is felt like my black hole. no other emotion lasts or lingers or is as deep or is even felt as completely as this beautiful black hole.

I am a masochist.

my blanket smells like 2003 (ok, maybe 2004)
not quite sure yet.
the smell of the fabric softener makes me happy but tense..
still trying to figure it out.

What I know about smell and memory:

* Memory - odor memory falls off less rapidly that other sensory memory
* Odor memory lasts a long time.
* Odor associated with experience and a smell can recall the memory; smell is better at this memory cue effect than other senses

but i can’t remember!!

I have a friend that never fails to fascinate me. She’s strong, smart, disciplined, hard working, is a good judge of character and has good judgment in general. this friend, even though she’s a whole year and a half younger than me, i consider an Old Soul.

now, I’m not so sure how much I believe in reincarnation, but if it were true, I’d say this friend of mine is 372 years old, or at least 12 or 13 souls old.

IN CONTRAST, I also noticed how clueless I am. I like to think that I’m a brand new baby soul. I think if I did exist before now, then I’d have only existed once before, and I must’ve done something terrible to someone for the amount of loneliness I feel these days. Karma.

I just wanted to share this thought, because once you have this idea in your head, you’ll start evaluating everyone around you. for example, my mum is a new soul but not brand new. I’d say she’s at least 4 or 5 souls old. unlike my dad who I think is Brand new, like myself. on the other hand, I think my older sister is the oldest soul in my house, which is why I think that my parents listen to her when she speaks. I think she has that “I know things” wisdom vibe about her. where as my younger sister is probably 2 or 3 souls older than me and she thinks that she knows it all. I tend to think that a know-it-all is a fairly new soul, especially if they don’t KNOW it all

i swear its fun.

- “I Never”. dangerous dangerous game. especially if there are things in your friend’s lives that you have no interest in knowing.

- you can be with a million people 24 hours a day and still feel you’re alone.

- the feeling of hopelessness i have is overwhelming. and what’s even sadder is that i have no one in my life who cares.

- I realized that the amount of hate i have towards people who lie to me, CONTINUOUSLY and to my face even tho “all clues point to yes”, is more than i can handle.

- sometimes the people you love most in the world are the people that kick you when you’re down.

fuck that

fuck everyone who plays mind games..
fuck everyone who plays mind games just for the fuck of it..
fuck everyone who ever fucking fucked with my mind just because I’m nice..

fuck you fuckers

Why do we forgive and forget? i insist that the concept is incorrect.

once you forgive (but never forget, i dun care how much you guys insist you forget, you never do) .. anyway, once you forgive, this gives the other person the opportunity to do the same hurtful thing again and again and again.

and since you’ve already forgiven them once. why not again and again and again.

all my life, I’ve had amazing friends. i still do, but the more i know people, the more i realize how lucky i have been.

to me, the definition of friendship is:

two people who get along. they have good energy together. they can trust each other to a certain point. are there for each other. and basically, these friends add to each other’s quality of life.

my best friend, who i met when i was ten, is still my best friend. I’ve never had a fight with her.. EVER…

and I’m not saying its perfect. i mean the reason why i feel i don’t have problems with my friends is because I’m a good friend. if I’m sure of one thing in this world, its that i am a good friend.

if i do make mistakes, my friends know that i never mean to hurt and that its not intentional. THATS how good of a friend i think i am.

it was the one thing that i was sure of.

till i met THEM.

I’m a good friend to them. but they keep being hurtful and telling me that i do everything wrong. they keep telling me that I’m not good enough. they keep trying to improve me. they keep telling me about what people say when they criticize me.

given that they can be really loving and fun and funny and that deep down, they are actually very good people, I’ve never felt so low.

you know whats sad? I’ve never had problems with my friends before, so i didn’t know how to react. i mean, if they’d hurt me, I’d shut up, thinking it would go away. so then i became a pushover.

but now i decided that everyone makes a big deal over the smallest things, why can’t i stand up for myself? so i started talking back. now I’m the problem maker.

friendship is not supposed to be this hard right??

the easiest thing to do is to leave right?

I’m not leaving the house until there’s a place to go.

- this place has to not be crowded.
- this place has to ban these assholes with ghitra and 3gaal and can’t move their heads in fear that the ghitra will fall!!
- this place has to not be in adlya or gudaybeya
- this place has to have really good coffee
- this place has to NOT be Starbucks
- this place has to have comfortable couches and has to have yummy food
- this place has to be mine .. miiiiiiiiiine…

dammit.. i need to get my own place ..

here’s to living life to the fullest.

here’s to love.

here’s to friends.

here’s to getting drunk and confessing your deepest darkest secrets.

here’s to a song that reminds me of all that.

no promises - Shayne Ward

can itchiness be psychological? i keep scratching my legs and arms and i swear to god I’m clean!

…….. I’ve come to a decision. my photography and video editing are mine and mine alone! when they start being work, a chore, whatever ,, i start not wanting to do them.

…….. is it weird that i love waking up to thunder????? it means that its raining!!!! and i love the sky when there’s rain.. i love the whole atmosphere when it rains.. i love how romantic it looks.. i love how you just wanna snuggle up with someone you love under a blanket and look outside the window all day.. i love how my dad grabs the jeep keys and goes driving in the desert.. i just love the rain..
i wish it rains everyday ..
maybe i should move to London or something!

fucking hell!! why am i here? why am i here? why am i here? why am i here?

on the upside: they’re showing “sex and the city” on TV Land again ..

so I’m like a freak of nature. i tend to be happier to wake up early when there is rain and cloud and the whether to me is so fucking romantic.

so here’s what i’ve noticed. when i get my car washed, the second it’s clean, it starts raining!!

so basically, getting my car cleaned is like doing some sort of Native American Rain Dance.

with me so far?

so i miss the rain.

so i’ve decided to get my car cleaned today. hahahah .. lets test out this lovely theory.

I love harry potter .. i know some of you may think i am a dork, but you know what? I must’ve read thousands of books in my life time .. but my all time favorite book is definitely Harry Potter .. (sorry .. ha ha .. i was watching one of the harry potter movies when i wrote that)

Anyway .. so I’ve not written in a while, i guess its ’cause every time i log on to blog, i get so busy with clearing all the spam and everything .. UHH!! .. i hate spam!!

fuck it!!

so, its strange, ya know, I’ve been learning a lot about myself. I, of course, had to learn these things from a friend of mine. he had to sit there for an hour and tell me why he’s pissed at me.

anyway, i don’t care about that. I’m over it.. but what I’m not over is the fact that he knew a lot of these things from this other friend of mine. lets call her X and him Y. so Y has been telling me that there are certain conversations that we have, all of us, as a group that i shouldn’t repeat. and me, being the idiot that i am, sometimes repeat what we talk about not thinking its a big deal.

so this was the big thing that was pissing my friends off. i get it. I’ll be more careful.

but why is it that they talk among themselves about what i do. for example, if i say something to someone in front of X, then X goes and tells Y that this and this happened INSTEAD OF COMING TO ME AND TELLING ME THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG. isn’t that the same thing?

why do i hate X sometimes?

why is there no loyalty in friends anymore?

so anyway, there is an upside. the whether has been fucking amazing!! especially when it rains!!! and I’ve been bonding with X and Y these days.. talking a lot..

I’m having fun, but also, as usual, having a hard time getting close to people.

what is wrong with me? why am i so scared of getting hurt?

i know I’ve had a bad past with friends, but what the fuck man!!! why am i trying to push them away?

they genuinely care about me!!

i just can’t figure out why they care..

Vanity never fails to fascinate me.

also, jealousy, on my part, never fails to appear.

I am jealous. yes i am a jealous person. its one of the deadly sins right? hmm ..

I am jealous of the vain. is it a sin if these sins overlap?

does that make sense??

One day i intend to experience this thing they call vanity.

haha .. another pointless post ..

I’m loving this!