The Girl With No Face

In the past week, whenever I’d have a conversation with DIFFERENT people about DIFFERENT topic, things I’m passionate about, like freedom, religion or MUSIC even, I get the same reaction from people: “You can’t fight society, you’re only ONE person”.

what happened to passion and courage?!?!? what happened to the hippies and the 70s where people would fight for what they thought was right?!?!?!  Doesn’t a revolution start with ONE persons idea? Doesn’t a million dollars start with ONE dollar?

why do we always have to give in? and why is it that US GIRLS must sacrifice the most?

why can’t i just go to a concert to enjoy the music and dance to it just for the fuck of it? why is it that i have to think 28302830 times before i even considering attending one of those thing? why is it that when I’m there, I bump into someone related to me, who is DRUNK i might add, who YELLS at me to go home!!

I have nothing against drinking. what i do have a problem with is the fact that you were yelling at me for just being in a place where there are MEN who are DRUNK. my friend, you are just adding fuel to the fire.

You were yelling at me and telling me “what are you doing here? what could you POSSIBLY want by coming here?” *erm, the music?*

I’m not there to pick up girls like YOU are, and I’m not there to get drunk tonight. I am here for the music. plus, YOU’RE drunk, aren’t you worries that people might talk about you?

“il 9bay may3eeba shay!!” (roughly translates to  = nothing can touch a man’s reputation)

EXCUSE ME?!

“What if someone bothers you? who will be there to protect you?”

Hmmm, being that I am 3 or 4 years OLDER than you are, I think that I can take care of MYSELF!

“People will talk about you!”

and say WHAT exactly? that i was at a concert? umm, they’re kinda right, because i AM here for the music!

“People will not say that you’re here for the music, people will say that you’re out late and that you were drunk and that you’re not a good girl!”

Define ‘good girl’!! If being a good girl means doing WRONG THINGS without people knowing, then i don’t want to be a ‘good girl’ because the way i see it, most girls in this country would rather go out with guys, get drunk, get high or just be plain fucked up without anyone knowing and STILL be labeled as a ‘good girl’. i just want to live my life doing what i think is right and sometimes being a human being and wanting to do something wrong, and DOING it. i want to live in a place where i don’t have to abide by rules i don’t believe in. GIRLS have urges too!! Girls have sexual needs and needs to flirt and feel wanted, needs to be BAD and smoke weed!! we not only have to NOT do these things, we have to PRETEND that we don’t have these needs or urges!!

*do you GET how FUCKED UP that is?*

“You’re ONE person, you can’t fight the whole society!!”

WHY NOT?!? The society is WRONG!! and I’m not saying this because i think I’m right, LOGIC tells you that society is WRONG!!

“go home! or you can stay here only with ME!”

BYE

did he really expect me to stay under his mercy? Not able to walk or move or dance or even look at anyone?

fuck!! and i was so excited about it!! he ruined it for me..

has anyone ever died of loneliness?
and if they have, did they die of the pain or from some odd eating disorder?

I am living proof of one of the most vicious cycles ever known to man.

The curse of the fat girl:

i live
i eat
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
etc..

I’m not blaming anyone for this.. i have lots of people to blame, but I’ve decided to take responsibility for my actions.

I’m not blaming the majority of the human race for finding fat repulsive. i find it repulsive myself.

I’m not blaming clothes designers and manufacturers for making clothes for skinny girls. the stuff they make look better on skinny girls.

I’m not blaming the people that throw random hurtful brutal comments at fat people in the streets/at the mall/at school/work/home wherever. i secretly have these thoughts about fat people myself.

I’m not blaming all the guys in my life who say that I’m “one of the guys ’cause you’re so cool” every day of my life and then ask me to hook them up with a friend of mine. i wouldn’t want to be with me either.

I’m not blaming my mum for calling me a cow at my most vulnerable. I am a cow.

its painful. but i don’t blame any of these people.

maybe its my personality thats shitty. lol

oh dear friends, I am sure everyone in my life knows how much i need somebody to love me. but you know what? if there was someone who loves me. i wouldn’t believe them.

p.s. I am not looking for compliments. this is my way of venting. so fight the urge to lie to me. and for those who wish to put me down furthermore, fuck off with all my heart!!!

for months i’ve been going over and over things in my head. Do i over analyze? Do i over-”feel”? do i over react? do i? am i a drama queen??

the thing is, i CAN’T always be wrong, can I?

so today I was watching this movie “little black book” and this chick, stacy, said “Omission Is Betrayal!”

and dear god, i have never heard truer words!

my whole tragic fucking story is explained in THREE LITTLE WORDS. and no, the words are NOT “i love you”. the words are: Omission is Betrayal.

i completely have the right to be pissed. i completely have the right to feel betrayed. i completely have the right to be shitty about it.

here are other three words that make sense to me: PEOPLE ARE SHITTY!!!

is moving out an option in this country?

I’m SO tired of this. I’m so sad and frustrated!!!!!!! I can’t stand it i can’t!!!! i know it sounds self centered, but it feels like the whole world is out to make my life more difficult.

WHY DOES NO ONE SIDE WITH ME? WHY DOES NO ONE SEE MY POINT OF VIEW??

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT CAN’T BE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T ALWAYS BE WRONG!!!

i can’t handle my parents having this control on me. they’re not supposed to!!

I HAVE FUCKING COMMITMENTS that i have to consider!!! they can’t GROUND ME!!! I’m 23!!!

FUCK!! FUCK .. i think i’m going to spontaneously combust!!

Pathetic Flash back: when i was 13 or 14, i remember planning to kill myself because in my head, it was a good payback.

i was such a disturbed child

- “I Never”. dangerous dangerous game. especially if there are things in your friend’s lives that you have no interest in knowing.

- you can be with a million people 24 hours a day and still feel you’re alone.

- the feeling of hopelessness i have is overwhelming. and what’s even sadder is that i have no one in my life who cares.

- I realized that the amount of hate i have towards people who lie to me, CONTINUOUSLY and to my face even tho “all clues point to yes”, is more than i can handle.

- sometimes the people you love most in the world are the people that kick you when you’re down.

fuck that

ok.. road rage at a new level.. i shall call it “Road Madness”.

before i tell you what happened, i just wanna say that there is no way i have any excuse for what i did.

actually, i have a few.. but they don’t justify it.. (that time of the month, low blood sugar, stopped taking antidepressants for a week.. etc)

so here’s the thing, it was the first day of my period and had cramps. so when my family went out for lunch, i didn’t feel like moving. so i told my little sister to get me a Quiznos sandwich on her way back from Seef.

So as time passed, i started getting hungry AND bored (cable stopped on the 1st of Jan) and hungrier and boreder. i started sending her messages, she replied that she’s in Forever 21. the DREADED Forever 21. :’(

(I HATE that place. whenever my sister and i go to Dubai, she spends 3 quarters of the time in Forever 21. in every mall we go, she goes to forever 21. FUCK FOREVER 21.. )

so anyway, by 5:30 i decided to go get my own sandwich because it seemed like my sister was sleeping over at the forever 21. so i got changed, had some Panadol for the PAIN and then called Quiznos from the highway. i told them that I’ll be there in like 7 minutes (HA!).

So i got to Seef area and i saw the Saudi and Qatari infested area over loaded with cars!!

but since i made the order, i had to get there.

so as i turned that turn between Al Aali Mall and toys R us, i just stopped there.

THE CARS DID NOT MOVE ONE INCH FOR 45 MINUTES!!!! .. all because of fucking saudi and qatari idiots who insisted on turning even tho there was absolutely nowhere to go!!!

during the whole time i was waiting, i was just swearing and hating and thinking of ways to kill off all the Saudi’s and i had scenarios and stuff. i had budgets for the methods of getting rid of them and locations and stuff.

and thats when it happens. i FLIPPED.

i drove in the wrong lane to block the fucking Qatari idiot’s car, i got out of the car, knocked on his window and started yelling at him.

it was so surreal. i went into this blind rage that i barely remember what the fucker was saying to me. and then i turned around and yelled at the rest of the cars there. then with so much anger i threw my phone on the pavement where it broke. i had to pick it up with whatever dignity i had left and got into the car.

the traffic DID move after that.

but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m nuts!

HELP!

till what age are parents allowed to give their kids curfews?
i am 23 and am getting shit for staying out till 11.
i have friends who are 19 and don’t have a curfew.

am i being unreasonable?

Mess with my head, Mess with me! But do NOT mess with my freedom!

Once u take away my keys, my way out, i break down.

fuck you fuckers.
I remember my childhood well.
this is why i feel so unloved.
i remember it well.

always, I am wrong.
always, I am to blame.
always, I am the one that sacrifices.

when i complain and demand my rights, I’m being ungrateful.

fuck u fuckers.
Don’t worry, i want to get away from you too.
i can hurt you too.

u never hear me. u never hear me. u never hear me. u never hear me.

Love,
The fat one

p.s. how can u act like nothing happened? how is it so easy?

fuck everyone who plays mind games..
fuck everyone who plays mind games just for the fuck of it..
fuck everyone who ever fucking fucked with my mind just because I’m nice..

fuck you fuckers

Why do we forgive and forget? i insist that the concept is incorrect.

once you forgive (but never forget, i dun care how much you guys insist you forget, you never do) .. anyway, once you forgive, this gives the other person the opportunity to do the same hurtful thing again and again and again.

and since you’ve already forgiven them once. why not again and again and again.

all my life, I’ve had amazing friends. i still do, but the more i know people, the more i realize how lucky i have been.

to me, the definition of friendship is:

two people who get along. they have good energy together. they can trust each other to a certain point. are there for each other. and basically, these friends add to each other’s quality of life.

my best friend, who i met when i was ten, is still my best friend. I’ve never had a fight with her.. EVER…

and I’m not saying its perfect. i mean the reason why i feel i don’t have problems with my friends is because I’m a good friend. if I’m sure of one thing in this world, its that i am a good friend.

if i do make mistakes, my friends know that i never mean to hurt and that its not intentional. THATS how good of a friend i think i am.

it was the one thing that i was sure of.

till i met THEM.

I’m a good friend to them. but they keep being hurtful and telling me that i do everything wrong. they keep telling me that I’m not good enough. they keep trying to improve me. they keep telling me about what people say when they criticize me.

given that they can be really loving and fun and funny and that deep down, they are actually very good people, I’ve never felt so low.

you know whats sad? I’ve never had problems with my friends before, so i didn’t know how to react. i mean, if they’d hurt me, I’d shut up, thinking it would go away. so then i became a pushover.

but now i decided that everyone makes a big deal over the smallest things, why can’t i stand up for myself? so i started talking back. now I’m the problem maker.

friendship is not supposed to be this hard right??

the easiest thing to do is to leave right?

I’m not leaving the house until there’s a place to go.

- this place has to not be crowded.
- this place has to ban these assholes with ghitra and 3gaal and can’t move their heads in fear that the ghitra will fall!!
- this place has to not be in adlya or gudaybeya
- this place has to have really good coffee
- this place has to NOT be Starbucks
- this place has to have comfortable couches and has to have yummy food
- this place has to be mine .. miiiiiiiiiine…

dammit.. i need to get my own place ..

ok .. i admit it

I’M DESPERATE..
i dunno what the fuck my hormones are thinking playing with me like this..
but i’m feeling lonely
haha .. pathetic huh??

i need someone..
someone to trust
someone to love
someone who finds me fascinating
someone who makes me laugh
someone who laughs at my jokes
someone to make out with haha
someone i will end up with
i need that ..

i don’t feel human..
i don’t feel i deserve love..
i’m not fishing for compliments ..
i’m serious..
i need to feel human ..

why is it never about me?

for those of you who haven’t heard yet: mahmood.tv is blocked!!!!!!! the GodFather himself!!! jeez!!! .. anyway .. I’m gonna talk about it a little more later. i just stopped in quick to tell people that he’s mirrored Mahmood’s den in http://alyousif.tv/ so you can still find out whats going on!

Don’t stop reading.

i have that feeling.
that feeling.
my insides are clenched.
my stomach in knots.
my guilt overtaking my existence.

i get it.
i understand.

I’m majorly fucked up.
I’m incapable of controlling my thoughts.
I’m incapable of controlling my actions.
I’m not in control.
I have none. control that is.

And I’ve given up.
Given up.

Given up trying.
Given up thinking.
Given up wanting.

Misunderstood?
Really?
Am I?

Or do i just have a need to justify?
explain my insanity?
make excuses for all the stupidity?

.. ok, Ramadan is just about over. i can almost see the finish line ..

.. i’ve figured out, after many many hours of careful thought, that if there’s no proof that this is my blog, than i can write whatever the fuck i want and no one can prove its me

you might be wondering why i’m saying this. well, its because a certain person (whom i hate) managed to weasle themself into my blog. and the idea of this person (whom i hate) reading my thoughts gave me goosebumps and made me very very nauseous.

this made me debate whether or not i should close down the site. (yes. it went THAT far)

now, knowing this person, and knowing that this person would use every single thing, that is true or made up, against every single person that this person knows, i sorta freaked!

so……………. i’ve made some changes. i didn’t like making them. but i’m happy that i did. because now, i can go back to writing whatever the fuck i want and i can say “fuck” as many times as i want

and you know what .. i know you all missed me ..

AND I MISSED YOU TOO..

I’m Back!!