The Girl With No Face

loneliness is killing me.

Today, I was busy with Lunatichica, trying to get her room in order for the unveiling of her brand new Mac Pro. It was all fun, I met her best friend, we ate, we smoked. But when it was time to leave, I felt pain. It made me sad and lonely. Cannonball was on when i left, and It just made me lonelier. lonelier then I’ve been in a while.

I’m lonely. Can i have that surgically removed?

i really really do. everything i’m doing is losing its yummyness.. i’m falling again into that viscious circle. the numbness. that black hole. everything is bland. and i just hate going home.

home is certainly NOT where the heart is. my heart doesn’t belong anywhere. its just floating there. idle. plain. still. numb. cracked. almost broken. always broken.

does that mean that my home and happiness is when I’m floating.. SHOULD I GET HIGH?

that was funny in theory. but i didn’t laugh.

I want to feel this. its perfection. the way it works, the numbness, the darkness, the sadness and agony is all simply… perfect.

the way i see it, there’s nothing better.

I feel this to the max. i savour it. i feel every last drop of it. its complete. it lasts. its perfect.

no other emotion is felt like my black hole. no other emotion lasts or lingers or is as deep or is even felt as completely as this beautiful black hole.

I am a masochist.

I am dazed. I am unwell. I hate it that I’ve finally realized that what i feel towards my older sister is jealousy. since she’s joined my GYM I’ve been coming up with excuses not to go. then I noticed that my trainer, who is also hers, along with everyone else at the gym have been treating me differently. everyone points out how good she is even tho she’s only been going to the gym a fraction of the time i’ve been going. everyone is pointing out how far she’s come and how good she’s become. she sticks to her diet and does everything right (BS!). ‘why can’t you be more like her, faceless? why do you always mess up?’

why can’t you be as good as her? as disciplined as her? as hard working as her? as PERFECT as her?

all I’m thinking is: The ONE thing I love and am good at, she undermines! why MY gym? why MY circle?

I hate her and i hate myself for hating her. i hate her because she’s been a source of misery in my life.

I start fucking up whatever it is I’m competing with her at!!! and LIE about it. i SEEK approval. I CRAVE acceptance. i WISH i were better than her at ONE thing!!!

just one.

all these thoughts go through my head. all these memories of hurtful things she’d said and done throughout my life:

- ‘Faceless, people wouldn’t talk about you because you’re FAT, but they would talk about our younger sister. so don’t let her be friends with the boys at college like YOU are’

- humiliating me in front of the people we were traveling with to NY. yelling at me and making everyone looking at me pitifully. people we DIDN’T know!! i attempted to hide behind a chair. trying to disregard the fact that i am huge. wanting to disappear.

- every fight we ever had. no matter who was wrong. I end up getting yelled at. she’s perfect. even if she was mistaken, it must have been I who provoked her.

I hate that i wish her death. i hate that i hate my life when she’s in it. I try to avoid her as much as i physically can. I can’t compete. i can’t win! i never could.

I simple wish..

In the past week, whenever I’d have a conversation with DIFFERENT people about DIFFERENT topic, things I’m passionate about, like freedom, religion or MUSIC even, I get the same reaction from people: “You can’t fight society, you’re only ONE person”.

what happened to passion and courage?!?!? what happened to the hippies and the 70s where people would fight for what they thought was right?!?!?!  Doesn’t a revolution start with ONE persons idea? Doesn’t a million dollars start with ONE dollar?

why do we always have to give in? and why is it that US GIRLS must sacrifice the most?

why can’t i just go to a concert to enjoy the music and dance to it just for the fuck of it? why is it that i have to think 28302830 times before i even considering attending one of those thing? why is it that when I’m there, I bump into someone related to me, who is DRUNK i might add, who YELLS at me to go home!!

I have nothing against drinking. what i do have a problem with is the fact that you were yelling at me for just being in a place where there are MEN who are DRUNK. my friend, you are just adding fuel to the fire.

You were yelling at me and telling me “what are you doing here? what could you POSSIBLY want by coming here?” *erm, the music?*

I’m not there to pick up girls like YOU are, and I’m not there to get drunk tonight. I am here for the music. plus, YOU’RE drunk, aren’t you worries that people might talk about you?

“il 9bay may3eeba shay!!” (roughly translates to  = nothing can touch a man’s reputation)

EXCUSE ME?!

“What if someone bothers you? who will be there to protect you?”

Hmmm, being that I am 3 or 4 years OLDER than you are, I think that I can take care of MYSELF!

“People will talk about you!”

and say WHAT exactly? that i was at a concert? umm, they’re kinda right, because i AM here for the music!

“People will not say that you’re here for the music, people will say that you’re out late and that you were drunk and that you’re not a good girl!”

Define ‘good girl’!! If being a good girl means doing WRONG THINGS without people knowing, then i don’t want to be a ‘good girl’ because the way i see it, most girls in this country would rather go out with guys, get drunk, get high or just be plain fucked up without anyone knowing and STILL be labeled as a ‘good girl’. i just want to live my life doing what i think is right and sometimes being a human being and wanting to do something wrong, and DOING it. i want to live in a place where i don’t have to abide by rules i don’t believe in. GIRLS have urges too!! Girls have sexual needs and needs to flirt and feel wanted, needs to be BAD and smoke weed!! we not only have to NOT do these things, we have to PRETEND that we don’t have these needs or urges!!

*do you GET how FUCKED UP that is?*

“You’re ONE person, you can’t fight the whole society!!”

WHY NOT?!? The society is WRONG!! and I’m not saying this because i think I’m right, LOGIC tells you that society is WRONG!!

“go home! or you can stay here only with ME!”

BYE

did he really expect me to stay under his mercy? Not able to walk or move or dance or even look at anyone?

fuck!! and i was so excited about it!! he ruined it for me..

has anyone ever died of loneliness?
and if they have, did they die of the pain or from some odd eating disorder?

I am living proof of one of the most vicious cycles ever known to man.

The curse of the fat girl:

i live
i eat
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
i sulk
i gain
i sulk
i eat
etc..

I’m not blaming anyone for this.. i have lots of people to blame, but I’ve decided to take responsibility for my actions.

I’m not blaming the majority of the human race for finding fat repulsive. i find it repulsive myself.

I’m not blaming clothes designers and manufacturers for making clothes for skinny girls. the stuff they make look better on skinny girls.

I’m not blaming the people that throw random hurtful brutal comments at fat people in the streets/at the mall/at school/work/home wherever. i secretly have these thoughts about fat people myself.

I’m not blaming all the guys in my life who say that I’m “one of the guys ’cause you’re so cool” every day of my life and then ask me to hook them up with a friend of mine. i wouldn’t want to be with me either.

I’m not blaming my mum for calling me a cow at my most vulnerable. I am a cow.

its painful. but i don’t blame any of these people.

maybe its my personality thats shitty. lol

oh dear friends, I am sure everyone in my life knows how much i need somebody to love me. but you know what? if there was someone who loves me. i wouldn’t believe them.

p.s. I am not looking for compliments. this is my way of venting. so fight the urge to lie to me. and for those who wish to put me down furthermore, fuck off with all my heart!!!

I’m attempting to adapt to the world.
i’m hoping not to lose myself in the process!

Dear Diary,

so now they told me the truth. my intuition was correct. i can’t help but have flashbacks.
all the times they made me feel crazy and all the times they made me doubt myself are very
fresh in my mind. i have conflicting emotions. happy that I got my sanity and confidence in my
intuition back, and sad that they were willing to sacrifice my friendship for something as stupid
and as uninteresting as their precious secret. conflicting feelings like my relief that they trust
me now and my disappointment now that i really cared.

it was way too late.

but i dunno why i’m happy.

love,
me

for months i’ve been going over and over things in my head. Do i over analyze? Do i over-”feel”? do i over react? do i? am i a drama queen??

the thing is, i CAN’T always be wrong, can I?

so today I was watching this movie “little black book” and this chick, stacy, said “Omission Is Betrayal!”

and dear god, i have never heard truer words!

my whole tragic fucking story is explained in THREE LITTLE WORDS. and no, the words are NOT “i love you”. the words are: Omission is Betrayal.

i completely have the right to be pissed. i completely have the right to feel betrayed. i completely have the right to be shitty about it.

here are other three words that make sense to me: PEOPLE ARE SHITTY!!!

is moving out an option in this country?

I’m SO tired of this. I’m so sad and frustrated!!!!!!! I can’t stand it i can’t!!!! i know it sounds self centered, but it feels like the whole world is out to make my life more difficult.

WHY DOES NO ONE SIDE WITH ME? WHY DOES NO ONE SEE MY POINT OF VIEW??

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT CAN’T BE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T ALWAYS BE WRONG!!!

i can’t handle my parents having this control on me. they’re not supposed to!!

I HAVE FUCKING COMMITMENTS that i have to consider!!! they can’t GROUND ME!!! I’m 23!!!

FUCK!! FUCK .. i think i’m going to spontaneously combust!!

Pathetic Flash back: when i was 13 or 14, i remember planning to kill myself because in my head, it was a good payback.

i was such a disturbed child

- “I Never”. dangerous dangerous game. especially if there are things in your friend’s lives that you have no interest in knowing.

- you can be with a million people 24 hours a day and still feel you’re alone.

- the feeling of hopelessness i have is overwhelming. and what’s even sadder is that i have no one in my life who cares.

- I realized that the amount of hate i have towards people who lie to me, CONTINUOUSLY and to my face even tho “all clues point to yes”, is more than i can handle.

- sometimes the people you love most in the world are the people that kick you when you’re down.

fuck that

Uncle Saddam. You were the only LEADER in the ARAB world with guts. the only LEADER who stood up and said “No!” to Americans. The only man with courage.

I salute you.Uncle Saddam. You were the MAN that gave free education to my mum, dad, uncles and aunts. you were the man that if it weren’t for you, my family would be dirt poor and not in all the great places they actually are now in life. I owe you.Uncle Saddam. When i was in Iraq Back in the mid 1980’s, i remember, YOUR country was beautiful. YOUR people were happy. Rich with beauty, love, laughter and money.

I am proud of you.Uncle Saddam. You were PROUD to be an Arab. From the beginning till the end. I respect you.Uncle Saddam. You were a true LEADER, but being a leader is often the loneliest job. I admire you.Uncle Saddam. We called you Uncle Saddam like all children of Iraq called you back then. I Love you.Uncle Saddam. I can’t believe you’re gone. I will miss you.