The Girl With No Face

I’ve found my motivation.

why?? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? why can’t i control these cravings?? .. for as long as i can remember..!!! I’ve had the weirdest conviction that i NEED to eat. I wake up in the morning and its the first thing i think of: Whats for breakfast????? .. I hate that LACK of control!! .. i feel that i NEED it .. i feel that it makes me happy!!
there were two ways i was able to control them in the past.

1- There are these diet/metabolism-booster pills called Reductil that if i take regularly, i can control these cravings, except in the morning.

2- the carbohydrate addict’s diet, the idea is to eat in a way that controls your insulin release cause apparently, insulin is the hunger hormone. So with some people, when they have carbs, insulin is released more than required. so basically, the insulin thats left over, makes you hungry, and its a never ending cycle.

its annoying that I need these things!! ok, if i’ve learnt anything in my life, i KNOW that any addiction is there to avoid the REAL issue. and I’m sad to say, I don’t know what these issues are. and whats worse is that my psychiatrist couldn’t figure it out either.

HELP!!

So Wires are No More.. hmmm.. Apple Never fail to impress me. I’m so excited about The Apple Worldwide Developers Conference where its rumored that the Intel replacement for the powermac G5 will be released. Its rumored to be named The Mac Pro. Hmmm .. apple products are sooooooo yummy.

Here’s my conclusion. the whole world is out to make women feel second to men. to feel weak, to feel pain. double standards and prejudice everywhere we go.

I DO mean it when i say the WHOLE world. even when its that time of the month, its only here to remind us, women, that we’re Weak by reminding us how different we are from men. how vulnerable we are. How much pain we can feel. pain no man has to endure. period pain. birth pain. waxing pain. High HEALS!!

Here’s what i don’t get. We spend the week before “it” starts PMSing (pissy mood, hungry, back pain, hot flashes, bloated and depressed), then we spend a week in pain (stomach, back, legs, neck) CONSTANTLY, then the week after recovering.

so basically, we only spend one week A MONTH normal.

so is it too much to ask of you boys, guys, men, whatever, to be nice to us? you don’t have to endure this shit. why are you so shitty? if we are shitty, its understandable.

how do you justify YOUR shittyness????

i hate boys!!

Mood: looking for someone to blame ..
Song: It’s my life - Bon Jovi

What is it about us? us Bahrainis? us arabs?

Three of my friends and I went to the beach yesterday. its a place where we go to have fun because its mostly deserted! I’m not going to say which beach, to avoid more people;-)

But yesterday when we went, it was mostly empty except for one “blond” family. “Blond” is fine cause we know they’re not from this country! “Blond” family is safe cause they won’t judge us.

So with no hesitation, my friends and I got in our bathing suits and went into the water (After drowning ourselves in sun-block ofcourse!). so we talked, laughed, gossiped and my friend may got over her phobia of live fish all the way till lunch time where our stomachs started making “FEED ME” noises which made us decide to go get take out.

We got some food, which is oh-so-yummy when you’re oh-so-hungry, and walked back to the beach. thats when it happened!!..

worse than the tsunami and worse than the biggest shark. there they were …

Bahraini boys!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH .. run for your lives!!! even worse, THEY KNOW US…….. OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
of course, while this may not sound so bad to a lot of people, we live in bahrain, the land of judgement and accusations. and even though technically we were there first, since the boys are there, the right thing to do was take our stuff and LEAVE! WHY? because a girl has no self respect to be seen in her bathing suit infront of arab boys. non arab boys are ok:-P but not Bahraini boys.

so here’s the thing, i don’t really give a flying fuck what these boys think of me. honestly, i don’t. it just pissed me off that one of the girls i was with cared! three of us went into the water as if nothing happened. but the 4th girl stayed outside, IN THE HEAT, just to avoid being seen by the horrible “bahraini boys”, Who, by the way, pissed me off with their jet skiis and their water sports and their showing off. They kept splashing water at us and didn’t apolagize. That lack of familiar etiquette is going to be added to my list of “why i hate bahraini boys”.

My friend stayed out in 48 degrees Centigrade (thats 120 ferenheit) of heat FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. here’s the thing, i was confused over who to be pissed at. My friend or them evil bahraini boys WHO WERE INVADING OUR TERRITORY! my friend was so hard headed and up-tight and it pissed me off that what she was doing was logical to her! and the bahraini boys, who KNEW her by the way, knew she was uncomfortable and didn’t give a shit.

even with all this, we ended up having a blast, and sun burnt. I suffered the consequences last night of having fun all day. i couldn’t sleep on my back, which is the only way i’ve slept all my life. So i decided to to blame my pain on “annoying bahraini boys”.

mood: in a rut
song: You don’t understand me - by Roxette

I have to do something about it!! i will never be happy till i go ahead and attempt to lose weight (for the 127898732983798th time) .. jeez what is it about the fact that i have to exercise (and be ALL BUBBLY AND EXTRA EXTRA HYPER) that scares the shit out of me?

i can’t stand people who are OBSESSED with the calories they take in and the saturated fat that the food contains… god!! ooooh “a minute on the lips, forever on the hips” Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

i hate these people, why do i want to be like them?? hmmm … WHYYY??
… ok ok .. ill try to be rational..

here’s the thing, i’ve been a fat kid since the 4th or 5th grade. thats about when i was 9 or 10. lets say 10.. and i’m 23 now.. i’ve been fat for over a decade. FOR OVER 13 YEARS!!

MY ATTEMPTS:

Summer Holiday after the 6th grade: My first strict diet. that was the summer i discovered (and HATED) celery..!! that is an awful evil vegetable.. it must become extinct. god! my diet consisted of nearly nothing.. grilled vegetables and chicken for lunch .. which DID NOT TASTE THAT GOOD.. and like some pethetic excuse for food for dinner.
i was an active kid. i used to go out on my bike every day! still.. did it matter? i did lost a few kilos, but the food quality and deprivation made me sad, weak, depressed and in a fucked up mood. i stopped the diet, gained the weight and gained some more..mid 7th grade: went to Dr.Ali Al Dhan at the international hospital to help me lose weight. You’d think he was a dietitian or a nutritionist right? WRONG!! he was a Gastroenterology physicial or something.. aaanyway, apparently it made sense to my parent to take me to this person because he came highly recommended by my parents peers.
so he put me on this purely protein diet for TWO, LONG, PAINFUL weeks. i lost 4 kilos on the first week, and i cheated on the second week so i lost maybe 3 or 2 kilos. it started with eggs in the morning plain eggs, cooked anyway i wanted them to be cooked (as if he was doing me a favour) and for lunch i got the chicken with vegetable, again, cooked anyway i wanted it to be cooked. but he wouldnt allow me even ketchup. god i have hate for this man.

by the end of the second week, i had turned into a vicious person. you know why? when a child is forced to go on a diet to attempt something way beyond their energy to change something they didn’t understand, this child will feel like they need to do as they are told or suffer the consequences. the consequences being that they won’t be loved as much as the others, because they are not worthy. they are not worthy because they failed in living up to their parents expectations. the third week was calorie counting, one brown sliced breading, fat exempting, tasteless, fatless, pointless food. so at this point, i prefered not to eat. and what comes after starvation??????? BINGING..!! BIG TIME ..

its needless to say that i stopped the diet of two months, binged for three months, gained the weight back (maybe in the first week), which was around 9 kilos, and probably gained 5 kilos more..

what pisses me off, is that i wasn’t that big of a kid. i was just chubby. it makes me so angry when i remember that my body image was of an over-sized beach ball… i literally remember thinking i was so fat that if i fell, and a bunch of Umpa Lumpas appeared, they’d be able to roll me away.
I don’t want to remember the neutritionist and gym trainer who kicked my ass the year after, or the organic “fit for life” program the year after.
these programs are not counting my own attempts to lose some weight. my starvation, atkins, carbohydrates addict’s diet, chemical diet, diet pills, natural diet pills, perscribed diet pills, reductil, therapy, anger and every other fucking way you can think of.

I’m a failure.

I’m a failure because of this. The one thing i was not able to complete.

The idea of putting myself (And my body) through this torture again scares me into hyperventilating. yes, i love food, anyone who denies that he/she love food is lying. there’s nothing wrong with appreciating good food. but if a fat person says that, people look at that person with judgement. this person sounds like a slob.

As a result of all these bad decisions and bad diets, i’ve almost completely given up meat, i rarely eat chicken, and i can never eat fish without some sushi rice or bread with it. with that, i realise my choices are very limited. i have to find a way to live on fruits or something.

my fear is not as much going through it as much as it is the “failure” part. the fact that, in my head, failure is inevitable, so putting myself through this is like torture that just feels like punishment.

i can practically feel the eye rolls of the people hearing or reading this, or my mum when i tell her this.

the fact that not only am i fat, but that i have failed every attempt to lose this fat has effected my self worth to an irreparable extent. nobody gets that.

I feel dread.

I’m so scared.

Its finally happened. My first job interview. i can’t really say if it went well or not, but what i do know is: I’m not going for another interview till i know what i wanna do for the rest of my life.

what does it mean when the interviewer TELLS YOU that you should not look for a career right now. “You’re young, you should continue your studies. get your graduates degree” he said. by then, all i could think was *what am i doing here? why did i come?* and it hit me. my mum made this appointment.

i truely feel like i wasted a perfectly good morning in the heat, and for what? nil, zero, zilch, zip, nada, diddly-squat. in case you missed all that, I ACHIEVED NOTHING!!

I probably achieved more when my friend Salman came to pick up his plates from my house (yes, some boys do cook:-)) and we got to talking about interviews and work (Cause we graduated together) and then he told me about this company that is based in Saudi and Dubai and how he applied and he has an exam in saudi and dubai for this company and all of a sudden, it hit me, I COULD BE OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE!!! so i applied just now:) .. this feeling of bliss is magnified because of the fact that i had a HUGE argument with the “Parents” about wanting to do my masters in Spain.. still, to no avail. they didn’t budge.

something actually hit a nerve for me in the interview when the dude said “what do you see yourself doing?”, and as sad as it sounds, i didn’t know. ofcourse i didn’t tell HIM that. i said i wanna effect the world. which sounds stupid now, but at the time it sounded pretty good:)

Mood: Shocked into consciousness
Song: Superman - five for fighting..

Grrrr… Today I have a job interview i didn’t even ask for. Isn’t it typical of this cruel, ironic world that the one person who doesn’t want to work gets the job?.. it annoys the shit out of me that i have friends looking for a job for months with absolutely no luck!.. I WANT A BREAK!!

Am i dying? What’s up with everyone being nice to me all of a sudden? why not give me the attention when i crave it?

why did everyone wait till i lost faith in them to give me the attention that i needed.

why is it that people are giving me not only attention, but love. you freaky human beings.

Its been an interesting few days. I don’t know how it will end and I don’t know what the hell its aiming for, but it’s definitely not been boring.

Mood: Lazy
Song: hips don’t lie (bamboo remix) - Shakira

My dad came into my room to talk. on his way out of my room he stopped by my gold fish, whose fish bowl broke recently (and who now lives in a tiny bowl temporarily), and told the gold fish, which is almost 2 years old, “don’t worry, I’ll get you a new bowl today, do you want a fish as a companion with you also?”. Then my dad looked at me and said “ its become aggressive like a monster. when a creature is alone for a long time, they forget how to coexist with others”.

Is it scary that i felt he was talking about me?

Ok, i don’t mean to sound like a pathetic, sad and whiny human being, but I’ve been single forever (willingly<–or so i like to think) and it started when I decided that I will not go out with anyone until i figure out how to be happy on my own. because it was at a time where i wanted to be with someone, anyone, because i was so sad and i felt lonely and i needed companionship. or some crap like that.
so this happiness epiphany came to me one day, a year and a half ago, i was at home, sitting by the pool, looking at the sky, it was almost sunset. and at some point, i felt this complete clarity. A calm. a silence. Thats when i realized what this feeling was. i was happy.

so we established that, I’m happy. I was so happy on my own, and so comfortable and free with no commitment, restrictions or responsibilities. All that sorta turned into a problem. I felt like I uncovered this amazing secret that no one seemed to have figured out before me. I DON’T NEED ANYONE! I’m happy. Maybe TOO happy! and except for 3 days a month, while I’m P.M.S.ing, where I actually do feel lonely, I’m completely at ease.

And so it dragged on, and on, and on. and now I’m 23 years old single, and loving it, and i STILL don’t want to be with anyone. the thing is, its not worrying me that i don’t want to be with anyone. its actually giving me a sense of control. i feel in control cause i feel like i won’t fall for the first jerk that gives me attention. I actually have the option to choose with my head.

What i AM worried about the fact that I’ve lost the ability to have a companion.

Is that even possible?

Mood: confused and quiet..
Song: “L’italiano” by Toto Cutugno

I complain and complain and complain that there is no one out there who loves me, and the minute someone shows the slightest interest in me, I freak out and run like hell!! .. ok, i get that I’m insecure because of my weight problem, but everything i do gives a whole other impression. i keep dodging phone calls and getting bored and justifying it by saying that I’m not bothered.
Am i not bothered?
Am i bored?
Or am i just scared?
scared of what? rejection????
scared of them leaving me? scared of commitment? scared that it might not be the real thing? what’s interesting is that in our culture, this kind of talk is very very very taboo. and all the books on relationships do not apply to this culture. i was discussing the “he’s just not that into you” revolution with my friend May, and i was telling her that Mr.X, lets call him, is giving me a lot of attention, but he’s not said he likes me. (saying he likes me is as far as it goes in this country because people going out is oh-my-god-you-whore kind of bad). so anyway, i was telling her about this book that i’ve read ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo that i first heard about on Oprah, and how it says in the book that a guy, if he’s really into you, would definitely make sure you know that he’s into you. and i told her that X by not really telling me he likes me is not really that into me. haha of course my friend May went into this long argument how this book and this idea doesn’t apply in our culture because we’re not exactly allowed to go out on dates and getting to know each other is sorta difficult yada yada yada, and how by telling someone you like them or love them means a marriage proposal ( yes, its a very backwards society haha ). So anyway, i had to agree with her, and basically the conclusion was that he likes me and i dunno what to do especially since i’ve been single for 2938208320938 years. i think my body got rid of that thing, that part of a person that yearns for human contact. I don’t really blame my body and mind for ASSUMING that i’ll be single for the rest of my life, but i do feel somewhat hurt that my body thinks its so unlovable. haha

speaking of being lovable, my friend, whom we nick name Peacock for reasons i will disclose someday, has not talked to me from before i went to New York, which was on the 17th of may, so i think its safe to say that its been a good 2 months since he last spoke a word to me. I didn’t make an effort to inquire about the sudden change of attitude towards me because he turned into an ASS at the exact same time that i decided that i don’t care about anyone anymore!! (another long story) so anyway, yesterday, right after Italy Won, which by the way is EXCELLENT (forza azzuri!!!!), Peacock sends me a message saying “A7IBECH MAY!!” which means he loves me. And all thats going through my head is that he must’ve sent the message to the wrong person, but how could he? he said my name? so i reply to him, “WHY?”. he said “cause i do!! don’t you??” and then i think *yea, of course i like me haha* .. anyway .. the conversation continued in a strange way. and then when i tell the girls about it, i find out that he’s had a fight with one of them, and he’s not talking to anyone in the group. so i feel hurt and confused. is he just recruiting? haha .. is it that he wants someone on his side? is that why he’s suddenly talking to me? so is he trying to use me? *suddenly hurt turned to fury* so i ignore my feelings and i try to get him to tell me why he’s doing this. is he trying to make me crazy??? the problem is, when boys are sweet, they’re sweet!!! i can’t be mean when he’s being so nice.