The Girl With No Face

its fascinating. the effects of ignoring someone:

- when i was a kid, crying, after i got beaten for being “naughty”, i was ignored by my sisters.

- when i was depressed, all through my teenage years, i was ignored by my parents.

- when the plane crashed, and so many people i loved were on it, i was ignored by my friends.

- when i was self-conscious and distant because it felt like the group i was hanging out with didn’t want me around, i was ignored by them.

every time this happens, i can’t help but wonder, am i that difficult to deal with? do people prefer to ignore me rather than confront me?

I understand. I have a temper. but really, who doesn’t? am i not worth it? am i not worth caring about? am i not worth the drama?

why can’t I stop feeling like the victim? why can’t i stop comparing people’s actions towards me to their actions towards other people.

I don’t matter.

p.s. if anyone thinks I’m whining too much, fuck off.

for months i’ve been going over and over things in my head. Do i over analyze? Do i over-”feel”? do i over react? do i? am i a drama queen??

the thing is, i CAN’T always be wrong, can I?

so today I was watching this movie “little black book” and this chick, stacy, said “Omission Is Betrayal!”

and dear god, i have never heard truer words!

my whole tragic fucking story is explained in THREE LITTLE WORDS. and no, the words are NOT “i love you”. the words are: Omission is Betrayal.

i completely have the right to be pissed. i completely have the right to feel betrayed. i completely have the right to be shitty about it.

here are other three words that make sense to me: PEOPLE ARE SHITTY!!!

is moving out an option in this country?

I’m SO tired of this. I’m so sad and frustrated!!!!!!! I can’t stand it i can’t!!!! i know it sounds self centered, but it feels like the whole world is out to make my life more difficult.

WHY DOES NO ONE SIDE WITH ME? WHY DOES NO ONE SEE MY POINT OF VIEW??

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT CAN’T BE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T ALWAYS BE WRONG!!!

i can’t handle my parents having this control on me. they’re not supposed to!!

I HAVE FUCKING COMMITMENTS that i have to consider!!! they can’t GROUND ME!!! I’m 23!!!

FUCK!! FUCK .. i think i’m going to spontaneously combust!!

Pathetic Flash back: when i was 13 or 14, i remember planning to kill myself because in my head, it was a good payback.

i was such a disturbed child

I have a friend that never fails to fascinate me. She’s strong, smart, disciplined, hard working, is a good judge of character and has good judgment in general. this friend, even though she’s a whole year and a half younger than me, i consider an Old Soul.

now, I’m not so sure how much I believe in reincarnation, but if it were true, I’d say this friend of mine is 372 years old, or at least 12 or 13 souls old.

IN CONTRAST, I also noticed how clueless I am. I like to think that I’m a brand new baby soul. I think if I did exist before now, then I’d have only existed once before, and I must’ve done something terrible to someone for the amount of loneliness I feel these days. Karma.

I just wanted to share this thought, because once you have this idea in your head, you’ll start evaluating everyone around you. for example, my mum is a new soul but not brand new. I’d say she’s at least 4 or 5 souls old. unlike my dad who I think is Brand new, like myself. on the other hand, I think my older sister is the oldest soul in my house, which is why I think that my parents listen to her when she speaks. I think she has that “I know things” wisdom vibe about her. where as my younger sister is probably 2 or 3 souls older than me and she thinks that she knows it all. I tend to think that a know-it-all is a fairly new soul, especially if they don’t KNOW it all

i swear its fun.

- “I Never”. dangerous dangerous game. especially if there are things in your friend’s lives that you have no interest in knowing.

- you can be with a million people 24 hours a day and still feel you’re alone.

- the feeling of hopelessness i have is overwhelming. and what’s even sadder is that i have no one in my life who cares.

- I realized that the amount of hate i have towards people who lie to me, CONTINUOUSLY and to my face even tho “all clues point to yes”, is more than i can handle.

- sometimes the people you love most in the world are the people that kick you when you’re down.

fuck that

i never thought the words “it’s okay!” would feel so good.

I was at the drive through in McD’s with a friend and i couldn’t stop talking about how impressed i am with him being so young yet so driven and on the right track.

then i couldn’t stop talking about how everything in my head is chaotic and “floopy”. i kept talking about how i have no idea what i want to do with my life.

i have no idea where my life is going. and my parents are pressuring me to actually do something!

all the plans i had for myself all my life have all gone to shit because they don’t seem as worthwhile as they seemed when i thought them up.

so he says: “faceless, its Okay! you’ll find your way.” and he said it with such conviction that for a second i actually believed him!

he said: “there two kinds of people in life. the kind that put their dreams on hold and just go with the flow, and the kind that insist on making their dreams come true. you are the latter.”

*hugs*

ok.. road rage at a new level.. i shall call it “Road Madness”.

before i tell you what happened, i just wanna say that there is no way i have any excuse for what i did.

actually, i have a few.. but they don’t justify it.. (that time of the month, low blood sugar, stopped taking antidepressants for a week.. etc)

so here’s the thing, it was the first day of my period and had cramps. so when my family went out for lunch, i didn’t feel like moving. so i told my little sister to get me a Quiznos sandwich on her way back from Seef.

So as time passed, i started getting hungry AND bored (cable stopped on the 1st of Jan) and hungrier and boreder. i started sending her messages, she replied that she’s in Forever 21. the DREADED Forever 21. :’(

(I HATE that place. whenever my sister and i go to Dubai, she spends 3 quarters of the time in Forever 21. in every mall we go, she goes to forever 21. FUCK FOREVER 21.. )

so anyway, by 5:30 i decided to go get my own sandwich because it seemed like my sister was sleeping over at the forever 21. so i got changed, had some Panadol for the PAIN and then called Quiznos from the highway. i told them that I’ll be there in like 7 minutes (HA!).

So i got to Seef area and i saw the Saudi and Qatari infested area over loaded with cars!!

but since i made the order, i had to get there.

so as i turned that turn between Al Aali Mall and toys R us, i just stopped there.

THE CARS DID NOT MOVE ONE INCH FOR 45 MINUTES!!!! .. all because of fucking saudi and qatari idiots who insisted on turning even tho there was absolutely nowhere to go!!!

during the whole time i was waiting, i was just swearing and hating and thinking of ways to kill off all the Saudi’s and i had scenarios and stuff. i had budgets for the methods of getting rid of them and locations and stuff.

and thats when it happens. i FLIPPED.

i drove in the wrong lane to block the fucking Qatari idiot’s car, i got out of the car, knocked on his window and started yelling at him.

it was so surreal. i went into this blind rage that i barely remember what the fucker was saying to me. and then i turned around and yelled at the rest of the cars there. then with so much anger i threw my phone on the pavement where it broke. i had to pick it up with whatever dignity i had left and got into the car.

the traffic DID move after that.

but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m nuts!

HELP!