The Girl With No Face

I’m getting something done. its called a BioEnterics Intragastric Balloon or BIB.

I don’t really know what changed the parents’ minds but I’m not going to question it a lot. This thing could happen as soon as the coming week. And I’m having totally mixed feelings about what’s going to happen.I’ve not been blogging about it because it just seemed too good to be true. I felt like it wouldn’t happen. So I put my thoughts in my diary. But now, that it’s out in the open lol I’ll type up what’s in my diary here.

Thursday 24th of May 2007. 1am:

“I need to remember how I feel right now… I need to remember how I felt today when that guy was looking at me. I felt embarrassed for him. I was thinking that if he saw me outside the car, standing up, he would not look at me. I thought that he would pretend that he didn’t see me.

I feel alone and I feel that I always will be.

I am ashamed to be me. I now hate going to places where people are because I don’t want them seeing me.

I’ve run out of courage. That courage that I have to muster up every time I’m in a public place. To pretend that I don’t see the looks and to pretend that I don’t know what they’re thinking. Trying to push away from my mind that there is a huge possibility the people laughing in the corner are laughing at me.

I am very conscious of my belly and the fat on my back. I’ve ruled out the possibility of anyone liking the way I look or liking me anyway.”

Friday 25th of May 2007:

• “ I can’t wait for the rest of my life to start.
• I can’t wait to see people’s reactions.
• I’m really scared that the problem is me, not my fat.
• I’m excited about the attention I’ll be getting.
• I’m so scared that I’ll not get any attention.
• I can’t wait to go shopping.
• I can’t wait to wear a bikini.

For the first time since as long as I can remember, I am hopeful.”

Ok OK! I know you guys get a headache from me this time almost ever month. but seriously, shouldn’t women get like 3 days off work every month (no questions asked) just because they’re women and they get their friggin period every month?

It’s bad. I know the boys who are reading this will never ever go through this and you will never ever know the way it feels but seriously, it can get bad!! Really bad!!

I mean I’ve got it easy. I’ve got it easy because I just get this pain in my back and stomach which doesn’t go away from 4 to 6 days. I’ve got it easy because the worst that I did was have fights with my friends during my PMS. I’ve got it ‘okay’ that the worse that I go through are two sleepless nights because no position I lay down in makes me comfortable because I’m always in pain.

Because a lot of girls I know get migraines and get rushed to the emergency room because they faint because of the pain. And a lot of them also throw up and are immobile for days. Almost everyone I know gets very pissy and there were some cases where women murdered their annoying husbands or boyfriends while PMSing.

Our bodies are literally baby machines. We are tortured from a very early age because maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future, we might think about having a baby.

Now you see, we don’t really have a choice, do we? After being tortured for over a decade, I want to get something out of it. So even if I DIDN’T want to have a baby to begin with, I’d have one just because I went through my 140+ periods. And this, my friends, is how fuck-ups come to be. They exist because people who don’t want to have babies have them just because.

Now I ask you, is it too much to ask to have a few days off work so that I don’t become a bitter person who has babies “just because”? I don’t want to bring another psycho into this world.

Un-Friggin’-believable!!
I TRY to avoid any birthday celebration and i TRY not to hassle anyone. and the ONE year that i shut up about my birthday i get so much presents, its unbelievable..

even my MUM who doesn’t buy birthday presents asked me what i wanted..!! whats happening?!?!?!?!?!?!?

but why is the stuff so girly? and PINK? .. what happened to me?? lol

p.s. something really good happened to me today!! just as soon as I make sure that its not going to change, I’ll let you guys know! I can’t wait to tell you guys!!!

its today .. i can’t believe its today ..
things should have been so different by today ..
i had so many things i wanted to do before today ..
It might be a quarter-life crisis ..
i didn’t want to remember today ..

for the first time in my life i’m not excited about my birthday ..
what does that mean?

I’mma write up a list of things i wanna do before i’m 25 and i sure as hell am going to make them happen ..

ill post the list later ..

Just to emphasize my point from the last post, I was looking around one of those picture sites and this guy posted a picture of his friend in the pool (obviously shirtless). These are the comments about the picture:

Guy in pic: shit alawi3 il jabd ya5i =p

guy #1: heheheh loool dont worry! hair = MAN POWER HAHAHA SAME THING HERE

guy #2: `ya7mar a7la shay 9bayan msha3ereeen SEXY !!!(H)

Random girl: Ay Sexy:| !!!!!!!!? Wa3;p

Guy in pic: wa3 fe 3ainich 3ad. kint nayim min chi shakly wa3. if i stand up ull melt;-)

guy #2: eheheheheheheh shla 3askareem bu ni9 !!!:P

——————————-

tell me they’re not vain .. tell me

“June Said: What are you on about? Didn’t you know girls never poop and all their farts smell like roses?”

I once had a conversation with 4 guys and 3 girls about this:

all 8 of us were sitting around watching a really stupid show called “pepper dennis” its stupid .. it was on mute. i promise. our standards of tv entertainment are much much higher than “pepper dennis”.
aaaaaaanyway, so this really hot guy on the show takes of his shirt. *sigh* he doesn’t have a 6 pack, he’s got like a 12 pack.

so KJ turns to the girls and says “Do you girls think that this is what guys’ bodies look like or are supposed to look like?”
(this, by the way, is the first time any bahraini guy shows any evidence of insecurity)

me: “no, we’ve come to terms with the fact that in this country, this kind of body doesn’t exist. plus bahraini boys are hairy and gross, but there’s nothing we can do about it”

S *sarcastically*: “yea, we’re used to it. we are just supposed to thank god for even having a smelly hairy ugly guy in our lives”

the rest of the girls: “YEA! so grateful!!” “please grace us with your presence”

one of the guys says “what are we supposed to do? god gave us this hair!!!”

S: “wax it off!!”

me: “yea!! god made hair grow out of MY armpit!! but i REMOVE MINE!!! .. why don’t you do the same??!!”

*everyone laughs*

me: “whats so funny?”

S: “we didn’t need to know that!”

me: “know what? about the armpit thing?? jeeeeeeeeeez I’M SO sorry S, not all of us have flowers growing out of our armpits like YOU!!”

*more laughter*

S: “no, i mean its not something we say”

me: “but guys go around proudly scratching their balls while farting!! with hairy, sweaty armpits, furry backs, hairy arms and legs and they don’t even bother to shave every other day all the while thinking they’re gods gift to women.. AAAAND they give us shit when we have one litttle hair out of place on our eye brows!!! and we are supposed to pretend that we don’t eat!! we never burp!! have naturally perfect eye brows, perfect skin, we never fart, we piss perfume and we don’t even have a friggin’ poop chute!!!!”

p (pointing at Rebecca Romain on TV and completely unaware of the speech i had just given) said: “but girls are supposed to look this way!!”

girls: “WHATtheFUCKISWRONGwithYOUYOUSTUPIDidiotYOUHAVEnoIDEAWHATWEGOTHROUGHtoREMOTELYREACHpeople’s STANDARDSinTHISCOUNTRY!!FUCKINGHELLyouSHOULDhavebabiesNOTUSWEGOthroughENOUGHpain!!!!!!”

me: “p, did you watch 40 year old virgin?”

p: “yea”

me: “you saw the part where they waxed his chest?”

p: “yes”

me: “are you willing to do that? just for the fuck of feeling the pain we feel for once in your life”

p: “no”

me: “then shut up! i hope you marry a hairy girl and find out that she’s hairy on your wedding night!!”

————

now boys, crack your knuckles, stretch, and start explaining to me how this backwards mentality came to be.
yes, you have to do this!! unless you want to risk extinction!!
its your responsibility to your gender! MAKE US, FRUSTRATED GIRLS, UNDERSTAND!

p.s. I think guys look more manly with chest hair and that rugged unshaven look. its hot. i was just making a point. about men’s expectations vs. women’s expectations of the opposite sex

seriously! whats with work starting at 7 in the morning? how is everyone expected to wake up at an ungodly hour?
i’ve made an effort in the last few years to convince myself that 6 a.m. just simply ceased to exist. i forgot there was such a thing.

you know what i hate? that feeling. the one you feel when your alarm clock makes that horrible noise. you know the feeling right? the one where that noise plays in the dream you’re having at the time. and you pop your eyes open, everything is blurry, you see a light. its blinding! you shut your eyes and wait for your eyes to adjust to the light coming in through your eye lids. your head is full of, i dunno, something. something that just simply resists waking up. all this time your hands grab the thing thats making all the noise and you hit anything on it to make it stop. as soon as this happens, you doze off again. which is cool unless you hit the snooze button and it rings again a few minutes later. it rings, you jump! as if this didn’t JUST happen a few minutes earlier. you contemplate smashing the damn thing. but you end up giving in.

after the torture of getting your eyes open you drag your half asleep and exhausted body to the bathroom, all the while thinking of ways to get out of going to work, “I can call in sick! or or.. I can say someone in my family died… hmm maybe i can say i have a dentist appointment. but they’ll ask why i didn’t say anything sooner. dammit!”.
by now you’d be at the third stage of grief. denial, anger and now bargaining. so as soon as you figure out that there’s no way out of this, you sit on the pot, you light up a cigarette and smoke with your eyes closed thinking about how you got to this point in life *stage 4: depression*. by now you’re wishing you do a number 2 before the cigarette finishes to not get in a situation where you have to take a dump at work. but of course, since when do things really go your way? you get into the shower, and thats when it happens. the water hits your face and your eyes STING so bad!!!!! this is when you finally give in to the 5th stage of grief: acceptance.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is when you officially start your day!

p.s. you end up doing number 2 at work

.. I’m a Taurean! I’m independent, strong and never ask for help! Thats what got me into this mess in the first place!! I’m the one who always stays distant and mysterious!! I’m the one who has never asked for help in school even when i was a kid. I’ve always studied alone. ASK MY MUM!!! I’ve certainly never been accused of being NEEDY!!

My problem is the problem that most MOTHERS would tell you they face. they’re TAKEN FOR GRANTED!!! I’m the MOTHER in whatever group of friends I’m in. i help, i feel, i love, i take care of them, i listen to them, i hug them, i make tea, i am thoughtful, i buy the presents, i remember birthdays, i remember people’s favorite colors for fucks sake! i was once nicknamed MOTHER GOOSE..

some of the comments on the previous post were kind of hurtful and insensitive. let me tell you about a little problem of mine called DEPRESSION. I’ve been to doctors. did the tests. took the medication. did the therapy. I’m clinically depressed. yes yes, suicidal, angry fits, numbness.. the works! but being a good little Taurean, I’ve made a conscious decision to take myself of the meds and try to deal with it on my own. big mistake. but I’m determined to find a way to deal with it without being dependent on meds or a doctor. thats how independent i am.

the biggest problem of dealing with depression, besides the chemicals in your head that made you think of more shit to put yourself down, is that no one understands it unless they’ve gone through it. its not something rational, and its not something anyone normal can relate to. having a bad day or a bad mood is nowhere near what its really like. the reason that the lack of other people’s understanding of the problem is significant is because, sometimes, the only way for a depressed person to (how many people have so nicely and dismissively put it) “snap out of it”, is to have true and utter understanding. empathy and compassion. its harder to find than you think.

the asking for help from my friends and the needing them, that took a lot of guts and i had to step on a lot of pride. i did it and now i regret it. i don’t WHINE remember? PEOPLE WHINE at me!! or is it whine to me? hmm .. anyway.. I’m the person that cuts people out of her life when red flags appear. no confrontation. no hassle. just get them out of my life. thats right! ME! ..

i do complain here a lot, i guess i give people the wrong impression about me. I pull of a pretty good act around everyone in my life. I play it cool. i’ve been approached by people and was told how refreshing it is to meet someone as confident as i am. i was offered jobs because of that and I got every job i was ever interviewed for. its not an act. its a theory. an experiment if you will. i believe that if you tell yourself something long enough, you’ll start believing it.

this blog is my sanctuary. i say things here that i would never say out loud. i’m always surrounded by people. i know more people than i want to. I’m fun and people love me because i’m caring and kind. these are traits that have not changed in me for as long as i can remember. even tho i’ve tried my best to change them.
no matter how many times people disappoint me, i never stop being compassionate. i try to, but i can’t. i dunno, maybe you can blame it on the “fat” factor, or the “middle child syndrome” .. I’m done analyzing it. i can’t help being who i am. these things i mentioned are the best and worse thing about me. i am loved yet constantly disappointed. people see me as happy yet i am slowly deteriorating. i am funny, but yes, you guessed it, its a defense mechanism. I am social (god! i wish i wasn’t) but I hate people.

i seriously think I’m built backwards.

the whole point of this post is to tell you guys that not everything is what it seems. don’t play the doctor and never EVER think that you know everything. it could be a life or death situation. like for me, for instance, i can’t even tell you how many times i started writing a suicide note. i don’t think i’ll ever do it. its an embedded religious thing, even tho i’m not religious at all. its engraved somewhere in my brain. “what if there really is heaven and hell? what if its true that you go to hell? i will never get a chance to fix this!”. and yes, i do wonder what it would do to my family. but at moments of weakness, all i could think about is how to stop feeling this pain.

what the fuck!? i never asked to be born! so why bring me and rape me the way you do?
why make all this shit happen to me when i can’t cope like other people can? why bring me a best friend and then take her the fuck away from me? why make me sad when there’s no way to make me happy? why doesn’t my mother notice?

why are animals more loyal than humans? why are dogs more loyal than cats? why should i care how people feel when no one feels for me? why can’t i just move the fuck on? why is it always their way or the highway?

life, i am open to new ideas. when I’m wrong i admit that I’m wrong. why does no one else do that? why doesn’t she see that she’s been fucking me over? why don’t i have the courage to tell her to her face? i am angry. but i must NOT be angry. i must not hurt her or anyone. i don’t deserve to be angry. i want to be indifferent but i can’t. the only thing i feel is anger. i want to hurt her like she’s hurting me. my best friend -pah!- loves them more. its obvious. she’s keeping things from me which are about me just to keep them happy. she pretends that she’s doing stuff for me but its bull. why didn’t she cancel her trip to Dubai when they refused to book for me? it was supposed to be our trip! why doesn’t she defend me with them? why does she only defend them with me?

i can’t talk to her about it because whenever i do she gets headaches. i feel guilty. even tho i need her, i can’t burden her. its about her, and i can’t do anything.

when i beg her to spare time to come to see me, she sits there and rests her head in her hands looking tired. she reminds me of my mum. whenever i talk to my mum she does that. and it hurts so much. she doesn’t have the time for me. i burden her. i give her a headache.

seriously? “call your therapist” is the best you can do?

i have no one.

fuck you life! i wish you were over!

with all my hate,
Faceless

p.s. why is it that when it gets serious with me, everyone backs the fuck away? why do you only love me when I’m “happy”? deal with your shit and when you’re back to normal, come see us. fuck!

- what’s this positive thinking everyone keeps talking about? i mean what goes through the head of a person whose optimistic when something bad happens?

- what is the thing that would hypothetically push you to suicide?
and what would you write in your suicide note? and who would you address it to?

ok, they were five questions.. so sue me!