The Girl With No Face

this is dedicated to my Lunatic friend (she introduced me to this song). I can’t seem to get this song out of my head. The song also reminds me of my long lost friends. The ones that couldn’t take it. the ones that ran away when I pushed them away. the friend that i thought was “my person”. the person who gets me, the person who will take my side no matter what and the person who will always be there for me.I had an epiphany when I was out with Lunatic a couple of nights ago. I realised that I push people away because I want to see how far I can push before they will stop loving me. I would look for the tiniest thing to piss me off at some point and I’d hate them and push them away. I want to be the one to do it in fear that they will get bored of me or stop caring about me and leave me first.

I don’t know where this came from. Lune said that I’m insecure. Duh. but really, it comes from my strong belief that there is no such thing as “unconditional love”. My father used to have my picture in a frame on his bedside table. Once, a couple of years ago, he was angry with me, he threw the picture frame on the floor and said “this is not my daughter”.

my friend fatima once said something that keeps repeating in my head. she said “when you stay away, people WILL forget you.” she’s right. she’s right. it happens. its happened. My best friend of ten years fucking forgot me. And she says that she “didn’t change”.

so I ask you, do you believe in unconditional love?

“Everyone laughed at her joke
As if they’d never even heard it before
And maybe they were truly amused
But every word that she spoke was a bore
And maybe it’s because they had seen
The previews on the TV screen
Well this part is good and that’s well understood
So you should laugh if you know what I mean

But it’s all relative
Even if you don’t understand
Well it’s all understood
Especially when you don’t understand
Then it’s all just because
Even if we don’t understand
Then lets all just believe

Everyone knows what went down
Because the news was spread all over town
And fact is only what you believe
And fact and fiction work as a team
It’s almost always fiction in the end
That content begins to bend
When context is never the same

And it’s all relative
Even if we don’t understand
And it’s all understood
Especially when we don’t understand
Then it’s all just because
Even if we don’t understand
Then lets all just believe

I was reading a book
Or maybe it was a magazine
Suggestions on where to place faith
Suggestions on what to believe
But I read somewhere
That you’ve got to beware
You can’t believe anything you read
But the good Book is good
And that’s well understood
So don’t even question
If you know what I mean

But it’s all relative
Even if you don’t understand
Well it’s all understood
Especially when you don’t understand
And it’s all just because
Even if we don’t understand
Then lets all just believe

But there you go once again
You missed the point and then you point
Your fingers at me
And say that I said not to believe
I believe
I guess
I guess it’s all relative”

P.S. do you love the song?

wow, I couldn’t ask for more support in my life you guys have no idea what you mean to me. everyone who reads my blog, the wishes, the prayers, the advice and genuine concern. I love you guys *hugs*

I went for it. on the 30th, I had the procedure done. and bloody hell was it more painful than i had anticipated. i should have taken Seroo’s advice from the previous post and talked to someone about it.

One thing kept me quiet and strong through all the pain and vomiting, i kept thinking about how much i want this and how I will look later.

I have trouble envisioning myself in a thin body. I guess spending most of my life in this one has given me some kind of body dysmorphic disorder. hahah maybe I’m just being too dramatic.

I’mma have to stay strong tho. I have this problem where whenever something is going right, in my life, I ruin it. I don’t know if its intentional or what, i just do it.

I’m gonna take Salsa lessons and walk and eventually run on the treadmill and I’ll be as healthy as a person can be. I promise you this.

I’m sure i can do this. I have to. This is probably my last chance.