The need to feel human
you take them for granted these little things I crave.
I want to feel human..
I will attempt to define this term the way it translates in my head
Human Touch.
I was watching once a girls walking with a guy, they went through a door, the guy held the door open for her, then he supported her by holding the small of her back as if he were pushing her through. Its just an excuse to touch her and to show affection. I would settle for a pat on the back.
growing up, boys fall in love with girls.
I’ve always been a fan of the roof of the house. One day, when I was 13, I was enjoying the sunset on the roof of our house when I Started hearing voices. I tracked down the side of the house where the sound was coming from. When I stood right over the balcony, I could hear that it was my 9 year old sister with the 8 year old neighbour’s boy talking. I couldnt help but eavesdrop. When i could finally figure out what they were saying, it turns out that the little neighbour’s boy was confessing his feelings of love towards my little sister. I later found out that he had also given her a love letter. cute right?
a girl getting flowers.
My Older sister once walked into her bedroom on her birthday and found 8 bouquets of flowers all around her room from 8 different people. She was so happy and she spent the whole rest of the day with a stupid smile on her face. She must’ve felt SO loved.
being worried about and cared for when sick.
anyone at my house gets a cold, stomach flu, the flu, a wound.. whatever.. they either get the constant attention of my mother or they’d be rushed to the emergency room. except me. It never shows how sick I am when I’m sick. I think my family think I’m faking it. The only time in my memory I’d ever been rushed to the emergency room was a few weeks back when I passed out. I don’t want your pitty, I’m just telling the story.
being called pretty.
I remember one day when I was maybe 11, my little sister (7 yrs old) and I were with my mama at the Sheraton complex. I was always attracted to the smell coming out of ‘the body shop’. I mean who wasn’t? so my sister and I walked into the body shop and started looking around and smelling soaps when, all of a sudden, I hear a man’s voice behind me saying “YOu’re Gonna be a SUPER STAR”. So i turn around and this huge good looking african American man was standing there looking down at my little sister. I stand next to her and he continues “YOU”RE SO beautiful. You’re definitely going to be a super star!!”. My little sister then looks up at me standing on her right and thats when the man noticed I was there. He looks at me and I say “She’s my sister” (always the protective sister whose also fishing for compliments). He looks at my sister then back at me and says “You’re also pretty, but SHE’S going to be a SUPER STAR”
I don’t understand why I can’t ever forget these incidents. For a person who can never remember anything, I certainly hold on to the shit that brings me down. Its wrong. I mean, Yeah i get it. I couldn’t be blamed as a kid that I was jealous of my sisters growing up. But I should LET THESE THINGS GO.
I always had that Cinderella, sleeping beauty crap in my head. I always thought that ONE day, a beautiful prince charming would fall in love with me and see me as something beautiful and PERFECT. boy am I DISAPPOINTED!!
In the last few years, I’ve hated looking in the mirror. being fat and knowing how hideous I was made me feel worthless. Having beautiful people around me all the time reminding me of what I’m not made it all even worse. It would be normal if I lived in a house full of ugly people. But I don’t.
I want someone to give me that McDreamy look. or that McSteamy one. I WANT someone to stutter when they talk to me because they’re so intimidated by my beauty. I want that confidence where I can ask any person for anything and be SURE that they’ll be happy to oblige. I want to feel worth something and have everyone around me feel the same about me.
is this what they call natural selection?
P.s. Watched ‘The mirror has two faces’ last night on ShowMovies. I can relate. I wish I didn’t, but do.
