I’m good. I’m good! i PROMISE. i just litterally FORCED my mind to think positively. It just hit me that the only loser will be me. EVERY good thing in my life is ruined by this stupid black hole. It basically eats ALL good. all good thoughts.. all good things. all good people. all gone.
now sing wid me fools..
i really really do. everything i’m doing is losing its yummyness.. i’m falling again into that viscious circle. the numbness. that black hole. everything is bland. and i just hate going home.
home is certainly NOT where the heart is. my heart doesn’t belong anywhere. its just floating there. idle. plain. still. numb. cracked. almost broken. always broken.
does that mean that my home and happiness is when I’m floating.. SHOULD I GET HIGH?
that was funny in theory. but i didn’t laugh.
I want to feel this. its perfection. the way it works, the numbness, the darkness, the sadness and agony is all simply… perfect.
the way i see it, there’s nothing better.
I feel this to the max. i savour it. i feel every last drop of it. its complete. it lasts. its perfect.
no other emotion is felt like my black hole. no other emotion lasts or lingers or is as deep or is even felt as completely as this beautiful black hole.
I am a masochist.
I am dazed. I am unwell. I hate it that I’ve finally realized that what i feel towards my older sister is jealousy. since she’s joined my GYM I’ve been coming up with excuses not to go. then I noticed that my trainer, who is also hers, along with everyone else at the gym have been treating me differently. everyone points out how good she is even tho she’s only been going to the gym a fraction of the time i’ve been going. everyone is pointing out how far she’s come and how good she’s become. she sticks to her diet and does everything right (BS!). ‘why can’t you be more like her, faceless? why do you always mess up?’
why can’t you be as good as her? as disciplined as her? as hard working as her? as PERFECT as her?
all I’m thinking is: The ONE thing I love and am good at, she undermines! why MY gym? why MY circle?
I hate her and i hate myself for hating her. i hate her because she’s been a source of misery in my life.
I start fucking up whatever it is I’m competing with her at!!! and LIE about it. i SEEK approval. I CRAVE acceptance. i WISH i were better than her at ONE thing!!!
just one.
all these thoughts go through my head. all these memories of hurtful things she’d said and done throughout my life:
- ‘Faceless, people wouldn’t talk about you because you’re FAT, but they would talk about our younger sister. so don’t let her be friends with the boys at college like YOU are’
- humiliating me in front of the people we were traveling with to NY. yelling at me and making everyone looking at me pitifully. people we DIDN’T know!! i attempted to hide behind a chair. trying to disregard the fact that i am huge. wanting to disappear.
- every fight we ever had. no matter who was wrong. I end up getting yelled at. she’s perfect. even if she was mistaken, it must have been I who provoked her.
I hate that i wish her death. i hate that i hate my life when she’s in it. I try to avoid her as much as i physically can. I can’t compete. i can’t win! i never could.
I simple wish..
I miss my NeverLand, the place that makes me feel like I’m dreaming. Where I flirt and not feel guilty. where I dance the night away and still leave with dignity knowing that nobody at the party attempted to grope me.
I miss it.. I miss that place.. I’m back from the best weekend of my life with the best people I’ll ever know.. and I’ve never felt this happy or free. I miss it. I simply miss that feeling of freedom. of loving myself.
I decided that Tiesto’s music is like one GIANT ORGASM… damn!! I could feel it all over me.. it would start you slow. tease you with the beats. make you feel warm inside. sometimes cold. make you feel so many different emotions. you start to crave it.. beg for it.. then eventually and so yummyly, so suddenly, after taking a while to build up, it brings you to ONE GIGANTIC CLIMAX!!.. It was amazzzing… add to it a couple of shots of any kind of alcohol, you’ll be WEEEEEEEEAAAW..
the next day at the Santana concert, it felt SO slow!!! cuz we were used to the ‘iDsS iDsS iDsS’.. but it was more like ‘waah wah waaaaaaaaah’.
It was one fanTAbulouS weekend.. the girls I was with are AMAZING. So completely different from what I’m used to traveling with. ‘Freaks’ is how Lunatichica so honestly described them.
I found the Christian Louboutin section at a department store in a mall there but couldn’t find the *tears* shoes I’ve been craving lately. the ones I found at J’s in Bahrain but couldn’t find my size. My last hope, I emailed a shop in London HOPING that they have them. No reply yet.
Aren’t they GAWGeOUS?
p.s. the TITLE of this post is a reference to my LOVING friend who kept wanting to take a nap in the middle of the Tiesto party “two minutes, JUST two minutes. i want to rest my eyes”…………… love love love :-*
