is the question I keep finding myself asking… myself.
I’ve been trying to figure it out. This person that is me is no longer the same. She is confident and happy. She is beautiful and fierce. This girl that looks back at me looks so unfamiliar, that it might as well be a stranger standing on the other side of the mirror staring phlegmatically back at me. She is glowing with beauty and power that its somehow intimidating. with that satisfied look on her face and a stride strangely graceful, she looks like she’s broken many a heart of young pining men. She looks like she has the knowledge and experience of one far beyond her years.
But where did she come from? When was the birth of this strange woman in my house? when did one end and the other begin? this series of thoughts oddly makes me think of my confusion while walking through China Town in New York City only to find myself at some point in little Italy. not knowing where exactly China town had ended and when Little Italy had actually begun.
This woman’s voice demands authority, demands attention. Even in my head! Her encounters and anecdotes are of interest to those around her. they quiet down and listen. peers are interested and amused. they listen eagerly to her stories, laugh at her jokes and compliment her wittiness…
Who is she? And where did she come from?
5 days on a liquid diet and seven kilos lost is not normal. But it was all fun and dandy until my sister pointed out that she’s never noticed before how thin my ankles were. and i was all like “WHAT? ME? THIN ANKLES??? I HAVE KANKLES”..
so I look down at my ankles and.. lo and behold, i really do have thin ankles. well, apparently, I’ve been retaining water.. a LOT of water.. for the LONGEST time! now i have to find out WHY…
Aaaaanyhooo, It’s really been the most difficult few days of my life. Its not like I rushed into having this surgery, but it was that I went through with it. the finality of it. the ‘forever’ness of it all…
Giving up your freedom in any aspect of your life, I discovered, is basically giving up free will - The most beautiful gift of all. giving up on the freedom of drowning your sorrows in a tub of ice cream is huger then anyone might think. especially with food being as big a part of my life as it actually is was.
ok, tired.. must go to bed. will talk more about this tomorrow..
p.s. thanks for all your support :*
I’m having the Lap Band surgery tomorrow. I’ve been having a hard time thinking about life without the comfort of food. I have love/hate feelings towards food. I resent food for making me fat and yet food is my favorite addiction. I have no idea how to comfort myself otherwise. without food, I can just picture myself walking around crying all day.
Whats the best way to get over an addiction? replacing it with another addiction. Now, I honestly don’t want to smoke even more than I already do. And drinking isn’t an option for me. Not in Bahrain. I’m thinking, the gym can be an option for an addiction from now on.
God, I so don’t want to become one of those obsessed people who do nothing but eat lettuce and go to the gym.. and are so very perky.. eww..
I see the war ending between me and Fat. I see it ending soon. and I am victorious!
