Until I do.. this blog is on pause…

I’ve been trying to figure it out. This person that is me is no longer the same. She is confident and happy. She is beautiful and fierce. This girl that looks back at me looks so unfamiliar, that it might as well be a stranger standing on the other side of the mirror staring phlegmatically back at me. She is glowing with beauty and power that its somehow intimidating. with that satisfied look on her face and a stride strangely graceful, she looks like she’s broken many a heart of young pining men. She looks like she has the knowledge and experience of one far beyond her years.

But where did she come from? When was the birth of this strange woman in my house? when did one end and the other begin? this series of thoughts oddly makes me think of my confusion while walking through China Town in New York City only to find myself at some point in little Italy. not knowing where exactly China town had ended and when Little Italy had actually begun.

This woman’s voice demands authority, demands attention. Even in my head! Her encounters and anecdotes are of interest to those around her. they quiet down and listen. peers are interested and amused. they listen eagerly to her stories, laugh at her jokes and compliment her wittiness…

Who is she? And where did she come from?

so I look down at my ankles and.. lo and behold, i really do have thin ankles. well, apparently, I’ve been retaining water.. a LOT of water.. for the LONGEST time! now i have to find out WHY…

Aaaaanyhooo, It’s really been the most difficult few days of my life. Its not like I rushed into having this surgery, but it was that I went through with it. the finality of it. the ‘forever’ness of it all…

Giving up your freedom in any aspect of your life, I discovered, is basically giving up free will - The most beautiful gift of all. giving up on the freedom of drowning your sorrows in a tub of ice cream is huger then anyone might think. especially with food being as big a part of my life as it actually is was.

ok, tired.. must go to bed. will talk more about this tomorrow..

p.s. thanks for all your support :*

Whats the best way to get over an addiction? replacing it with another addiction. Now, I honestly don’t want to smoke even more than I already do. And drinking isn’t an option for me. Not in Bahrain. I’m thinking, the gym can be an option for an addiction from now on.

God, I so don’t want to become one of those obsessed people who do nothing but eat lettuce and go to the gym.. and are so very perky.. eww..

I see the war ending between me and Fat. I see it ending soon. and I am victorious!

I can’t help it! and its prolly from lack of sleep. Lack of sleep or lack of affection. Lack of sleep or lack of companion. Lack of sleep Or lack of understanding.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care for those that just wish to point out whats wrong with me after they helped cause it.

I think I can afford having the lap-band surgery. I will do it and I don’t give two shits if anyone doesn’t want me to do it. Not my parents. not my friends.

I’m feeling the discomfort in my movement again. I feel the tightness of my pants. I see my belly growing. I see my self esteem wasting away again. And yet, I still can’t seem to stop eating. I can’t find the off switch.

Lap-band. Definitely Lap-Band. its obviously my only solution. I have to do it myself. I can’t think of anyone else because, you know what? I can never depend on people for anything. not in support and certain not in saying the right things to me. Everyone just makes things worse. So i gotta do this on my own. And since i can’t really.. I’ll just have to force my body to succumb. 

You know why I’ve given up? It’s cuz I’ve given up on the idea of being loved for what I am. I’ve given up that one day someone will love me for me. I have to mold into the ideal woman. The ‘ideal’ woman that has no fat on her body and has no hips. the ideal woman that dresses like everyone else and has long straight hair. the ideal woman that doesn’t burp or fart or do number 1 and 2 in the bathroom. the ideal woman thats obliging and never really gets anywhere in the world. I have to mold myself into something that is not me, something that I really hate.. just so that I can be loved. otherwise, nobody will love me.

Shakira knows what I’m talking about 

This is what I POSTED on November 11th 2007

On the day of my 25th birthday (May 16th 2008), I’ll be:

• Be in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini (with a flat tummy) - NOPE
• I’ll have had gone on a shopping spree and bought lots and lots of tiny dresses and short shorts - NOPE
• I’ll …

.. I just realized how little I want .. So I’ll wish for other people:

• My older sister will be engaged to be married to man that will treat her like a queen. - NOPE
• My younger sister will have got karmic revenge from those who hurt her so much. - YES
  
• My Mother will be.. hmm.. Happier.. she’s the most content person i know, but she deserves more from us. - YES
• My Father will have finally grown up and started taking responsibility for his life.. I love him to death - NOPE
• My M will be happily still happy with my ex-friends (her friends) .. if they hurt her ill break their legs - NOPE
• My N will have a man who values her and never ever break her heart :-* - YES
• My F will be recieving a scholarship to do her masters in London. - NOPE
• My June will be peaceful with her decision and/or make the correct one. I will also have met her and we’re best friends. haha - YES
• My Nooon will have convinced her dad that she’s really in love with k and that it will work. - NOPE

Well, I think I’m happy with everything to do with the people I love. I mean, even though they didn’t turn out like i hoped, But I guess a lot of it turned out even better than expected. I guess that this is what the Rolling Stones meant when they sang “You can’t always get what you want”

I’m so tired. I can barely get up in the morning, I usually don’t. I have not been to the gym in weeks. I can’t get myself to do anything productive. I’m so tired…

I’m tired of everything. of people. of things. of places. of faces.

I’m tired of being with people. with being alone. with movies, music and sunshine. I’m tired of the heat of the sun or the cool of the AC. I’m tired of the greyness of this country. the color of others. I’m tired of being alone, of people abandoning me. I’m tired of people constantly wanting to change me. I’m tired of the dreariness of people. I am friggin’ tired of being bored with everything and everyone.

I hate people. People must die.

I am tired of the routine and of being sucked into the conventional cycle of all human beings.

I’m tired of losing my individuality and my spirit.

I’m tired of the realization of how ordinary my life will turn out.

I’m tired of this persisting eerie feeling that something bad is going to happen or that I will die soon.

I am just tired of living.

I am tired..

My worse fear is cancer. To be more specific, breast cancer. I have this image in my head of having one breast with a scar where the other one should be. Or no breasts at all.

It scares me because it feels to me like a woman loses what makes her a woman when she loses her breasts to cancer.

Now my fear has evolved. I fear lung cancer. For the last few years, I’ve been having trouble taking deep breaths and I yawn like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve not been able to run more than one minute at a time because I can’t breathe when I’m running. its like I’m holding my breath.

I’ve dismissed this problem to thinking that it’s caused by anxiety because I’ve discovered that most of the shit that happens to my body is because of stress and anxiety. My relationship with my body is weird. To be more precise, my brain’s relationship with my body is not a friendly one. They refuse to get along. I worry more than my body lets on. I think more than my brain lets on. My first panic attack happened a few months after the plane crash in 2000. My dad was going to travel and I THINK that THAT was the reason why it happened. I think that because I got up the next morning and begged him not to leave.

Its the worse feeling in the world. It was at a time where I would stay up all night online doing nothing and sleep when the sun came up. But that particular night, my laptop was on the bed next to me and I was laying down. I’d laid down to sleep except that I never leave my computer on the bed when I sleep usually. I love it too much to risk me kicking it off the bed. I was laying there with my eyes closed and I felt like I was sinking, not falling, sinking into a deep sleep. All of a sudden, I felt PANIC and didn’t want to fall asleep. I kept thinking that if I slept then, I’d die. I tried to stop the sinking and I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my eyes. I started crying then, tears started rolling down my face but I still wouldn’t wake up. I tried with all my might and I seriously thought I was dying.

I got up eventually and I didn’t sleep for three days after that. I was afraid I’d feel that fear again. I didn’t understand it. That was the worse feeling of fear in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be that afraid again.

These days, I want to go to a doctor. Not only do I feel like my lungs don’t expand enough to take deep breaths, but right now, it feels like my throat is closing in tight and making it very difficult to take breaths. Plus, its painful. I mean it could be nothing more than a cold and I should go to the doctor to put me at ease, but I’m scared.

You know what image comes to mind? You know those people who have had cancer in some part of their throat and are unable to speak again? the ones that hold this machine to their throat when they speak and some robotic voice comes out of the machine instead of their voice? that is the stupid image that’s scaring me half to death. I’m scared to go to the doctor.. haha I’m like one of those crazy uneducated people who are afraid of doctors!

Losing my mind.

“enough with the guilt already… because its gay” hahahahaha

you see, I can’t really talk about why I’m feeling guilty. but I can talk about everything else.

I discovered that I’m not the person I thought I was. I discovered that there’s something terribly wrong with me. Even when I spend years and years trying to change myself and my way of thinking, there are certain things that are just basically engraved in me that I can’t quite get rid of. dammit. I have nothing to say.

None of my friends can come with me.. WHAT DO I DO??? Mariah carey is going to be there on my birthday weekend! I’d already planned to go there that weekend to sky dive on my birthday.. but right now, none of my friends are willing to go with me!!

would i be a loser if i went alone?