I’m good. I’m good! i PROMISE. i just litterally FORCED my mind to think positively. It just hit me that the only loser will be me. EVERY good thing in my life is ruined by this stupid black hole. It basically eats ALL good. all good thoughts.. all good things. all good people. all gone.
now sing wid me fools..
i really really do. everything i’m doing is losing its yummyness.. i’m falling again into that viscious circle. the numbness. that black hole. everything is bland. and i just hate going home.
home is certainly NOT where the heart is. my heart doesn’t belong anywhere. its just floating there. idle. plain. still. numb. cracked. almost broken. always broken.
does that mean that my home and happiness is when I’m floating.. SHOULD I GET HIGH?
that was funny in theory. but i didn’t laugh.
I want to feel this. its perfection. the way it works, the numbness, the darkness, the sadness and agony is all simply… perfect.
the way i see it, there’s nothing better.
I feel this to the max. i savour it. i feel every last drop of it. its complete. it lasts. its perfect.
no other emotion is felt like my black hole. no other emotion lasts or lingers or is as deep or is even felt as completely as this beautiful black hole.
I am a masochist.
I am dazed. I am unwell. I hate it that I’ve finally realized that what i feel towards my older sister is jealousy. since she’s joined my GYM I’ve been coming up with excuses not to go. then I noticed that my trainer, who is also hers, along with everyone else at the gym have been treating me differently. everyone points out how good she is even tho she’s only been going to the gym a fraction of the time i’ve been going. everyone is pointing out how far she’s come and how good she’s become. she sticks to her diet and does everything right (BS!). ‘why can’t you be more like her, faceless? why do you always mess up?’
why can’t you be as good as her? as disciplined as her? as hard working as her? as PERFECT as her?
all I’m thinking is: The ONE thing I love and am good at, she undermines! why MY gym? why MY circle?
I hate her and i hate myself for hating her. i hate her because she’s been a source of misery in my life.
I start fucking up whatever it is I’m competing with her at!!! and LIE about it. i SEEK approval. I CRAVE acceptance. i WISH i were better than her at ONE thing!!!
just one.
all these thoughts go through my head. all these memories of hurtful things she’d said and done throughout my life:
- ‘Faceless, people wouldn’t talk about you because you’re FAT, but they would talk about our younger sister. so don’t let her be friends with the boys at college like YOU are’
- humiliating me in front of the people we were traveling with to NY. yelling at me and making everyone looking at me pitifully. people we DIDN’T know!! i attempted to hide behind a chair. trying to disregard the fact that i am huge. wanting to disappear.
- every fight we ever had. no matter who was wrong. I end up getting yelled at. she’s perfect. even if she was mistaken, it must have been I who provoked her.
I hate that i wish her death. i hate that i hate my life when she’s in it. I try to avoid her as much as i physically can. I can’t compete. i can’t win! i never could.
I simple wish..
I miss my NeverLand, the place that makes me feel like I’m dreaming. Where I flirt and not feel guilty. where I dance the night away and still leave with dignity knowing that nobody at the party attempted to grope me.
I miss it.. I miss that place.. I’m back from the best weekend of my life with the best people I’ll ever know.. and I’ve never felt this happy or free. I miss it. I simply miss that feeling of freedom. of loving myself.
I decided that Tiesto’s music is like one GIANT ORGASM… damn!! I could feel it all over me.. it would start you slow. tease you with the beats. make you feel warm inside. sometimes cold. make you feel so many different emotions. you start to crave it.. beg for it.. then eventually and so yummyly, so suddenly, after taking a while to build up, it brings you to ONE GIGANTIC CLIMAX!!.. It was amazzzing… add to it a couple of shots of any kind of alcohol, you’ll be WEEEEEEEEAAAW..
the next day at the Santana concert, it felt SO slow!!! cuz we were used to the ‘iDsS iDsS iDsS’.. but it was more like ‘waah wah waaaaaaaaah’.
It was one fanTAbulouS weekend.. the girls I was with are AMAZING. So completely different from what I’m used to traveling with. ‘Freaks’ is how Lunatichica so honestly described them.
I found the Christian Louboutin section at a department store in a mall there but couldn’t find the *tears* shoes I’ve been craving lately. the ones I found at J’s in Bahrain but couldn’t find my size. My last hope, I emailed a shop in London HOPING that they have them. No reply yet.
Aren’t they GAWGeOUS?
p.s. the TITLE of this post is a reference to my LOVING friend who kept wanting to take a nap in the middle of the Tiesto party “two minutes, JUST two minutes. i want to rest my eyes”…………… love love love :-*
or better yet, Paris Cafe saved me.
all my life I’ve been extremely self destructive. I would subconsciously ruin any chance/relationship/good thing that would mean happiness for me. I think I somehow figured that I didn’t deserve it! I’d gradually become a masochist. I had no self worth or self esteem. And I blamed my mother for that…
While I was in Paris this summer, while my sisters would go on long shopping sprees, I’d go on long walks with my mother. We’d talk about anything and everything. She’d also buy me really expensive shoes haha…
Anyway, I don’t know if I ever mentioned what emotional cripples my parents and sisters are. Well, they are. They never talk when they’re upset, they never express joy or sorrow or any other emotion you can think of. They’d even yell at me when I expressed certain feelings or when I cried. Sounds evil? They’re not… They’re just the way they are.
This kind of emotional absence has resulted in so many medical issues that are all stress related. CUZ THEY KEEP SHIT INSIDE…
One day in Paris, my mum and I strolled along this beautiful road full of cafes and little shops. We spotted a cafe named “Cafe Paris”. we went in, looked for a spot by the window (windows were as big as doors and were open =) we sat ourselves down facing the little street and my mum started telling me stories about her college days and about the first time she went to Paris and how beautiful Paris is to her.
Strangely and unexpectedly, the conversation took a strange turn. We started talking about our lives, about me and my sisters. (This is where it gets corny) I’ve been trying to bring up this issue all throughout my childhood. So I tell her “I was a difficult kid, I understand why you love my sisters more than you love me, but I’d just wish you’d admit it”. Tears found their way down my face. Actually saying it out loud is much more painful than having it in my head all these years.
“Everything I do pisses you off. Your admiration for my little sister’s beauty, since she was born, is so obvious. Older sister was always perfect! And I was always wrong. Whenever you’d be angry or in a bad mood, it’s always ME you’d take it out on!!”
I have so many memories of things being SO bad that I would go to my aunt’s house and refuse to go home. I would confide in my aunt and she’d talk to my mother. It took someone to TALK to my mother to make my 7 year old life be bearable. Before the talking to, she’d be HORRIBLE to me. She’d yell at me whenever I was in sight. When she’d look at me, her face would lose its light and her expressions become an expression of disgust and she’ll look like she’s tasting something bitter. She’d criticize constantly with no mercy. I had my first suicidal thoughts when I was 10.
To be continued
p.s I’ve been trying to write this for months. since september actually. I keep writing some parts and find it hard to continue. So I’m going to do this in parts
I suppOse .. you’ve figured out that I watched “Enchanted”
If you’re cynical like my sister is, don’t watch it.. watch it with an open mind 
I want this bad energy to go away.. this is why I’m listing all the things i am grateful for:
I am grateful for my Mother. I feel that she’s proud of me.
I am grateful for my Father. His face lights up when he sees me.
I am grateful for my older sister. I am happy we have our little talks. they remind me that She’s human.
I am grateful for my younger sister. I thank you for listening and talking and making me feel like I’m worth something sometimes. and thanks for helping me lose weight.
I am grateful for my friends. Aysha (my best friend and cousin now haha), Noor (my eternal optimist), Fatima (my silver lining), June (my voice of reason), May (my logical friend), Sara (my care bear), Salman (my Jacob — if you read the Twilight series, u’d know who Jacob is).
I am grateful for my job. I am saving (some) money even.
I am grateful for my health.
I am grateful for my car. A smashed windshield made me realize i was taking it for granted.
I am grateful for my shoes. My shoes make my feet pretty. and that makes me happy.
I am grateful for my limbs. I was watching Forest Gump the other day and realized that I would rather die than lose a limb.
I am grateful for my curly hair. I’m really starting to accept it. And like it.
I am grateful for Lunatichica and for our plan to go to Dubai .. it came at a great time =)
I am grateful for the theory of WonderLand. I am Wonderland. You are Wonderland. (thanks Lunatichica)
I am grateful for the good skin on my face and the red on my cheeks.
I am grateful for my diplomacy at work. I don’t think anyone hates me.
I am grateful for the catastrophe of my first boyfriend. He taught me that i should NOT rush into things.
I am grateful that I discovered “the secret”. Its changed my way of thinking. its changed my life.
I am grateful that I met June. I discovered that I am ALLOWED to be talking about myself. and you don’t mind being there listening. You’re even interested in what I’m saying. YOU make me feel human. xx
I am grateful that I have my blog. Its done a good job in keeping my sanity intact.
I am grateful that I’m on a strict diet right now. My trainer promised, 10 to 15 kilos in 6 weeks. I told him he can have 7.
I am grateful that I met my trainer. He’s changed my life.
I am grateful I’m writing this list. Helps my way of thinking=)
I am grateful that I am smart. thats why everyone calls me for help.
I am grateful that I have a pretty face. I even like the bump on my nose =)
you take them for granted these little things I crave.
I want to feel human..
I will attempt to define this term the way it translates in my head
Human Touch.
I was watching once a girls walking with a guy, they went through a door, the guy held the door open for her, then he supported her by holding the small of her back as if he were pushing her through. Its just an excuse to touch her and to show affection. I would settle for a pat on the back.
growing up, boys fall in love with girls.
I’ve always been a fan of the roof of the house. One day, when I was 13, I was enjoying the sunset on the roof of our house when I Started hearing voices. I tracked down the side of the house where the sound was coming from. When I stood right over the balcony, I could hear that it was my 9 year old sister with the 8 year old neighbour’s boy talking. I couldnt help but eavesdrop. When i could finally figure out what they were saying, it turns out that the little neighbour’s boy was confessing his feelings of love towards my little sister. I later found out that he had also given her a love letter. cute right?
a girl getting flowers.
My Older sister once walked into her bedroom on her birthday and found 8 bouquets of flowers all around her room from 8 different people. She was so happy and she spent the whole rest of the day with a stupid smile on her face. She must’ve felt SO loved.
being worried about and cared for when sick.
anyone at my house gets a cold, stomach flu, the flu, a wound.. whatever.. they either get the constant attention of my mother or they’d be rushed to the emergency room. except me. It never shows how sick I am when I’m sick. I think my family think I’m faking it. The only time in my memory I’d ever been rushed to the emergency room was a few weeks back when I passed out. I don’t want your pitty, I’m just telling the story.
being called pretty.
I remember one day when I was maybe 11, my little sister (7 yrs old) and I were with my mama at the Sheraton complex. I was always attracted to the smell coming out of ‘the body shop’. I mean who wasn’t? so my sister and I walked into the body shop and started looking around and smelling soaps when, all of a sudden, I hear a man’s voice behind me saying “YOu’re Gonna be a SUPER STAR”. So i turn around and this huge good looking african American man was standing there looking down at my little sister. I stand next to her and he continues “YOU”RE SO beautiful. You’re definitely going to be a super star!!”. My little sister then looks up at me standing on her right and thats when the man noticed I was there. He looks at me and I say “She’s my sister” (always the protective sister whose also fishing for compliments). He looks at my sister then back at me and says “You’re also pretty, but SHE’S going to be a SUPER STAR”
I don’t understand why I can’t ever forget these incidents. For a person who can never remember anything, I certainly hold on to the shit that brings me down. Its wrong. I mean, Yeah i get it. I couldn’t be blamed as a kid that I was jealous of my sisters growing up. But I should LET THESE THINGS GO.
I always had that Cinderella, sleeping beauty crap in my head. I always thought that ONE day, a beautiful prince charming would fall in love with me and see me as something beautiful and PERFECT. boy am I DISAPPOINTED!!
In the last few years, I’ve hated looking in the mirror. being fat and knowing how hideous I was made me feel worthless. Having beautiful people around me all the time reminding me of what I’m not made it all even worse. It would be normal if I lived in a house full of ugly people. But I don’t.
I want someone to give me that McDreamy look. or that McSteamy one. I WANT someone to stutter when they talk to me because they’re so intimidated by my beauty. I want that confidence where I can ask any person for anything and be SURE that they’ll be happy to oblige. I want to feel worth something and have everyone around me feel the same about me.
is this what they call natural selection?
P.s. Watched ‘The mirror has two faces’ last night on ShowMovies. I can relate. I wish I didn’t, but do.
In the past week, whenever I’d have a conversation with DIFFERENT people about DIFFERENT topic, things I’m passionate about, like freedom, religion or MUSIC even, I get the same reaction from people: “You can’t fight society, you’re only ONE person”.
what happened to passion and courage?!?!? what happened to the hippies and the 70s where people would fight for what they thought was right?!?!?! Doesn’t a revolution start with ONE persons idea? Doesn’t a million dollars start with ONE dollar?
why do we always have to give in? and why is it that US GIRLS must sacrifice the most?
why can’t i just go to a concert to enjoy the music and dance to it just for the fuck of it? why is it that i have to think 28302830 times before i even considering attending one of those thing? why is it that when I’m there, I bump into someone related to me, who is DRUNK i might add, who YELLS at me to go home!!
I have nothing against drinking. what i do have a problem with is the fact that you were yelling at me for just being in a place where there are MEN who are DRUNK. my friend, you are just adding fuel to the fire.
You were yelling at me and telling me “what are you doing here? what could you POSSIBLY want by coming here?” *erm, the music?*
I’m not there to pick up girls like YOU are, and I’m not there to get drunk tonight. I am here for the music. plus, YOU’RE drunk, aren’t you worries that people might talk about you?
“il 9bay may3eeba shay!!” (roughly translates to = nothing can touch a man’s reputation)
EXCUSE ME?!
“What if someone bothers you? who will be there to protect you?”
Hmmm, being that I am 3 or 4 years OLDER than you are, I think that I can take care of MYSELF!
“People will talk about you!”
and say WHAT exactly? that i was at a concert? umm, they’re kinda right, because i AM here for the music!
“People will not say that you’re here for the music, people will say that you’re out late and that you were drunk and that you’re not a good girl!”
Define ‘good girl’!! If being a good girl means doing WRONG THINGS without people knowing, then i don’t want to be a ‘good girl’ because the way i see it, most girls in this country would rather go out with guys, get drunk, get high or just be plain fucked up without anyone knowing and STILL be labeled as a ‘good girl’. i just want to live my life doing what i think is right and sometimes being a human being and wanting to do something wrong, and DOING it. i want to live in a place where i don’t have to abide by rules i don’t believe in. GIRLS have urges too!! Girls have sexual needs and needs to flirt and feel wanted, needs to be BAD and smoke weed!! we not only have to NOT do these things, we have to PRETEND that we don’t have these needs or urges!!
*do you GET how FUCKED UP that is?*
“You’re ONE person, you can’t fight the whole society!!”
WHY NOT?!? The society is WRONG!! and I’m not saying this because i think I’m right, LOGIC tells you that society is WRONG!!
“go home! or you can stay here only with ME!”
BYE
did he really expect me to stay under his mercy? Not able to walk or move or dance or even look at anyone?
fuck!! and i was so excited about it!! he ruined it for me..
On the day of my 25th birthday (May 16th 2008), I’ll be:
.. I just realized how little I want .. So I’ll wish for other people:
hmm.. can i think of any more??
update:
3.30 p.m. Saturday. November 3rd 2007
Its amazing how alone i feel at this exact second..
Unbelievably aware of how insignificant i am..
How little i mean to the world.. And painfully realizing how no one will ever know i’m gone..
But you know what? Deep down inside.. I’m already gone..
I’m in suicidal mode right now and there’s no one who comes to mind i think would be interested in knowing this or comforting me right now.. I need to please.. Can’t burden anyone tho.. Its not fair to them..
thanks June for the tag hun..
1. Tag rules.
* Link back the person who tagged you.
* Tag 3 bloggers at least.
* You can use any language you want.
* Using photos is an option
